Okay, I may be seriously lacking in funny lately, but these are awesome. For me it has the feel of an illustrated Jack Handy Deep Thought. I only read five posts back and have two favorites already. July 9th and June 18th. I love it. My kind of humor. If you are already bored with the quizzes while waiting for me to stop being lame then check this out.
July, 2004
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A softer world.
July 23, 2004 by Collin
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Okay all you testy people!
July 20, 2004 by Collin
This is for you! Thanks to Sue for the link.
Enjoy it while I try to scrape the barnacles off of my brain to release my trapped creativity. Anyone have a saw, flashlight and mirror handy? This could get tricky.
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I’m still alive (as far as I know).
July 20, 2004 by Collin
Just damned busy. Derek’s on vacation and wouldn’t you know it, as soon as he leaves the work board blossomed in artwork orders.
So I’m slammed here at work.
When I get home I’m too tired to even get on my computer to balance my checkbook, much less be entertaining.
So this is just a quick message for anyone who might be concerned about my welfare.
I’m alive.
Also, if you have a few minutes, head over to Mark’s site and check out his and Linette’s newest addition to the Maynard clan, their daughter Clementine. She was born on the 11th and I’m just now saying something about it. I suck.
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Fizzle & Pop – Storytelling Game 7 (6 words)-Competitive
July 16, 2004 by Collin
Fizzle & Pop – Storytelling Game 7 (6 words)-Competitive
The Speed Round has begun!
Remember, only the first eight stories submitted will be voted on. This round will last until at least eight stories are written or four days have passed. Good luck and write fast!
And the words chosen by last games winners Tricia and Jenn are:
surly
quandary
breath
heart
rancid
cryingThe theme is: Pirates
Post the stories at the link above. Everyone is welcome to write!
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An Ass-whalloping Good Time
July 15, 2004 by Collin
Karaoke is fun. I feel that I am less than good at it, but that’s to be expected. Derek posted the photos from the last bar located karaoke night that I was a part of. I still haven’t forgiven him just yet. Especially for the ears plugged photo.
So, in an attempt to find out if I can actually manage to sing away from the mega-stress that I feel in a bar situation, I picked up the Playstation 2 game “Karaoke Revolution”. It was very fun, and I may even be getting better at singing. We’ll see.
Last week Heather came over and we played the game for a bit in a non-competitive mode for a while, then we decided to try out the multiplayer Arcade mode. In that mode you each choose a song for the first two rounds and try to out sing your opponent. The person with the higher score takes that round. For the final round the game chooses a random song for each player and you just do the best with what you get. Like I said, fun.
Now, when Heather was playing the single player mode she was getting platinum (over 20,000 points) on ever song she tried. I hadn’t gotten platinum on a single song in the game yet. So I figured I was going to get totally smoked. We played and some kind of miracle happened and I won. I hit platinum on all three songs (I think). And then we stopped for the night.
Last night she wanted a rematch. I got creamed. I was lucky to beat her on a single song each game. We played a bit differently. For one, all of our songs were chosen at random instead of just the last one so neither of us could stack the deck with songs we were good at. Then, about halfway through my crushing I also realized the other night she was playing at normal difficulty, and I was on easy. This time we were on equal footing and she verbally destroyed me.
But I’m not giving up! I will yet win! And perhaps I will learn to sing withut all of that enunciating stuff.
hahah!
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My Good Friend’s Wedding
July 13, 2004 by Collin
Three posts in one day. Now don’t get on my case if I ignore you all for the rest of the week.
I finally went through the photos my brother and I took two weekends ago at our friend Justin’s wedding.
The wedding was held in Green Mountain Falls here west of Colorado Springs.
It started off as a pretty good day, but by the time the ceremony began large, cold raindrops were falling.
Undaunted, the wedding went on and during the vows the rain stopped and the sun came out.
Here’s Justin looking calm as the water. You can tell the girls behind him were totally riveted on him.
Here’s the flower girl, focusing hard on her job.
Here’s the lovely bride Jennifer with her father.
I really like this photo.
Not so much this one, but there you go.It was a great wedding.
On the way to the reception Heather pointed ahead and calmly said “Deer.” To which I replied something like, “What?” She repeats, “DEER!” and Trevor hits the breaks as a big deer races across the road.
That could have sucked.
And there you go. No fantastic wedding stories to share. Sorry.
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Suspension of Disbelief Dot Net
July 13, 2004 by Collin
I can’t get this trackback thing to work, but head over to Steve’s blog and check out his billboard entry for 6.25.2004. It made me grin. I wish we had them here.
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Hollywood Is Calling
July 13, 2004 by Collin
Two in a row! I’ll try not to make this a regular thing, but at least it’s a post, right?
What can I say about this one? Holy cow. They’ve provided memberships! I’m going to let a portion of their FAQ speak for me:
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Q: How is Hollywood Is Calling able to get celebrities to participate in this service at such affordable prices?A: The vast majority of our celebrities are not motivated by financial reasons when it comes to this project. Their extraordinary achievements have made them tremendously popular all across the globe and they believe that our patented new service is a great way for them to stay in touch with their growing fan base. It’s also a lot of fun.
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To which I say, “Kato Kaelin”. True, he may not be in that vast majority that they speak of, but still. HE’S THERE!I found this to be odd:
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Q: What if I accidentally pick up the phone when it rings and it’s the celebrityA: If you pick it up the phone the celebrity will still give you the message but they cannot wait while you turn the answering machine on or run to get the person the message is intended for. The call will automatically terminate in less than 30 seconds
Q: Can I put the celebrity on hold while I get the person I bought the call for
A: No. The call will automatically end less than 30 seconds after it begins so we strongly recommend that you leave your machine on, or if you happen to answer the phone, that you simply chat with the celebrity for the allocated time before the call automatically ends
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‘the Hell? What if the celebrity is still talking after 30 seconds? Say it’s Leon Spinks or something. It could take him 30 seconds to say four words. I don’t think you are getting your money’s worth in that case.
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Q: How long does it take for the celebrity to callA: The celebrity may call minutes after you place your order or they may call approximately 7 days later. It’s entirely up to them and their schedules. They may call at any time day or night because they live in various time zones so it’s important for you to make certain the answering machine is always on
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All I can picture is Kato sitting by the phone, waiting to be called into action. His fingers occasionally reaching out over the receiver and flickering in anticipation. A bed pan by his side. A mini-fridge in easy reach. Time zones be DAMNED! His fans demand it!And here is the list of call types you can request as well as the limitations on custom messages:
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Customized Message – $29.95
Customized Romance Special – $29.95
Call Just To Say Hello – $19.95 (NEW)
Encouraging Motivational Call – $19.95 (NEW)
Merry Christmas – $19.95
Happy Birthday – $19.95
Tell My Wife I Love Her – $19.95 (NEW)
Tell My Girlfriend I Love Her – $19.95 (NEW)
Tell My Husband I Love Him – $19.95 (NEW)
Tell My Boyfriend I Love Him – $19.95 (NEW)
Congratulations On Getting Married – $19.95 (NEW)
Thank You For Your Business – $19.95 (NEW)
Thank You For The Job Interview – $19.95 (NEW)
Have A Nice Day – $19.95 (NEW)
Happy Anniversary – $19.95
Happy Easter – $19.95
April Fools – $19.95
Congratulations On Being Employee Of The Month – $19.95
Happy Marital Engagement – $19.95
I Miss You Very Much – $19.95 (NEW)
Happy Graduation – $19.95
Congratulations On Having A Baby – $19.95 (NEW)
Happy Retirement – $19.95
Happy Sweetest Day – $19.95
Happy Fathers Day – $19.95
Happy Mothers Day – $19.95
Happy Hanukkah – $19.95 (NEW)
Congratulations On A Great Report Card – $19.95 (NEW)
Happy Thanksgiving – $19.95
Happy Valentines Day – $19.95
Happy New Year – $19.95
Happy Halloween – $19.95
Get Well Soon – $19.95
Invitation To A Date – $19.95 (NEW)
Marriage Proposal – $19.95 (NEW)Q: Can I have the celebrity leave any kind of message I request
A: No. In order to be approved the message must be brief, polite, in good taste and civil.
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I’m wondering how the “April Fools” one works… “Hi! This is Kato Kaelin hoping you’re having a fantastic April Fools Day! No. It’s really me! No joke! Seriously! Stop laughing dammit!”And those limitations eliminate having him call O.J.’s kids and offering a condolence message, “Hi! This is Kato Kaelin and I’m really sorry your mother’s killer escaped justice! Whoever he is!”
I also should mention that the same couple of questions appear multiple times in the FAQ. I guess either they get asked this a lot, or it’s for people who really aren’t paying enough attention. Hah.
I do like the rewording of this one though:
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Q: What time of day do the celebrities usually callA: Given the fact that our celebrities are scattered in different time zones all over the world when they travel, they may call you at any time of day or night. Consequently, it is important to leave your answering machine on at all times
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I just like the thought of scattering celebrities across time zones. I wonder if they use a special “Celebrity Displacement Cannon”. Launch them into the stratosphere with a pre-paid cell phone and wherever they come to rest, there they are!They also have an electronic newsletter (notification of when new celebrities join) and a VIP room that is an empty forum. Totally empty.
I hope they eventually have Adam West available. That would almost be worth $19.95.
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Jesus Beanies
July 12, 2004 by Collin
Jesus Beanies
So. Hmmm. Here’s a quote from their sidebar:
“New Brown-Eyed Jesus Beanie…
We have a new edition to the Jesus Beanies line. Currently we have a small amount of brown-eyed Jesus Beanies, instead of the original blue-eyed Jesus Beanie. This is a small test sample. There is no additional charge for the brown-eyed Jesus, but if you desire this new beanie, please make sure you select the correct version upon ordering.”Or, you can leave it to God to sort it out. However they are NOT at this time offering a blue-eyed Moses Beanie (“The Moses Beanie:Give Me Ten!” or “Moses Beanies: Making the Law Loveable”… I WISH I was that funny), so don’t ask.
“small test sample” = “mistake, but we can’t find anyone willing to rip the eyes off of 50 Jesus Beanies.”
I will buy a Coke for the first person that sends me an actual photo of a Jeasus Beanie (blue or brown-eyed, I’m not picky) velcroed to a cross. Or riding an Easter Bunny. Photographer’s choice.*
*You have to come here for the Coke. I’m not shipping anything.
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What’s YOUR Wienermobile™ wish?
July 12, 2004 by Collin
I was making a highly nutritious dinner of Oscar Mayer® Wieners the other night (made with turkey and pork). Yeah, I know, blah blah blah bugs, blah blah blah lips and arseholes. I agree, they are nasty, but they taste good if you don’t allow yourself to think about it. That’s how people manage to eat grubs and haggis. This way you get all that PLUS turkey and pork. And it’s not like they’ve used them in an episode of Fear Factor yet.
Is Fear Factor still on the air?
Anyhow. I was about to toss out the paper wrapper when I noticed an opportunity of a lifetime that I wanted to pass on to all of you. From now until 7/29/04 (so, not very long really) you can win your wish with the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile™! Wish valued up to $5000.
What is the Wienermobile™? Follow that link to find out all you want to know about it.
And here is the contest:
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“What’s your wish with the Wienermobile™? Fill in your wish in 50 words or less and it could come true! ‘Oh, I wish…’”
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And then six lines for writing out your wish and standard information request (name, address, date of birth, etc.). One thing to note however, no P.O. Boxes! No Wienermobile™ weekend for the homeless!They also say to go to oscarmayer.com for more ways to win. I checked it out, thinking that perhaps you could win by taking photos of wieners in happy places or something.
During the month of June you could have bid on the chance to have the Wienermobile™ vehicle for a weekend and up to $5,000 to make your wish come true! But noooooo. You were too slow.
Here is the auction result.
The wording of the auction interests me. It’s that “chance” word. The package that tallpaul56 won for $10,600 doesn’t actually seem to say that he WILL get to have the Wienermobile™ for those two days, just the chance and all the other tangibles (weenies, gift pack and 2 kids bikes). He still has to have his wish approved by Oscar Mayer®. He could still miss out. If I were him that would piss me off sideways to spend that kind of money and not get to go on the weekend ride. But who knows. Perhaps tallpaul56 has deep pockets. And it’s for a good cause.
And if filling out a wrapper isn’t your idea of likely, you can apparently enter online here. I say “apparently” because two screens in it wants your email address and I’m just not that keen to play. The only wishes that I can think of run counter to their requirements: “Keep in mind you’ll be judged on Originality & Creativity, Integration of the Wienermobile™ in your wish, and Elements of Goodwill. So, from fun with your family to helping the community – be creative and your wish with the Wienermobile™ could be granted!”
It’s that “Elements of Goodwill” that is the sticker. The only things I can think of are either mundane or evil. The mundane wouldn’t win because it’s… mundane. And the evil wouldn’t win because evil NEVER wins. I could try to use some of my 50 words to point out how fantastic the publicity would be, but I doubt they would buy it. And then they would have my email address to pass on to the authorities and we don’t really want that.
So, my wish for the Wienermobile™ will never come true, or even really be fully formed. I am curious to know what you visitors would wish to do with it though. So, please, comment and share. Unless you are “in it to win it”, in which case head over to the site and enter soon because time is running out! You could be one of the 50 big wiener winners! Or, just be satisfied with entertaining us.
You know.
Whatever.
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