October | 2004 | Fizzle & Pop 2004 October

October, 2004

Lunchtime daydream.

October 20, 2004 by Collin

I’m reading a book at work that my babe Heather so wonderfully and unexpectedly bought for me last week. It’s the latest book in the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett called “Going Postal“. If you’ve never heard of the series, or read any of the books and you enjoy funny, clever writing then do yourself a huge favor and go get one. Other than the first two books in the series you can basically jump in anywhere. But for maximum enjoyment read them in order.

“Going Postal” is fantastically funny so far, which I fully expected.

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Getting to know me 2 – Twice the fun in half the questions!

October 20, 2004 by Collin

Okay, I hope my wonderful, sexy, intelligent readers don’t feel I’m copping out by doing another one of these smart-assed Q&A posts. Nor the rest of you for that matter. I enjoyed the first one a lot and had been wanting to do another when lo & behold one was in my inbox this morning. So, here you go:

—

Welcome to the next edition of getting to know your friends. What you’re supposed to do is copy (not forward) this entire email and paste it onto a new email that you’ll send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know “INCLUDING” the person that sent it to you. The theory is that you’ll learn a lot of little known facts about your friends. It’s fun and easy. You might be surprised with some of the things you learn about people you think you know…and this is different from the last one!

(mostly different)

1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A SECOND HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?

Inside the hollowed-out skulls of my enemies! But they have a bit of breathing room since I don’t have my first house built yet. And I need to work on getting some more enemies, or it may be a bit cramped. Or just a few bigger enemies. But when I doooooo… they better hold their heads tight!

2. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?

It would have to be that article that Cosmo did on crotchless panties versus going commando. That was a sweet read, and the photo-spread was simply breathtaking.

3. THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT?

This is all one big RIAA trap, isn’t it? “I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the Communist funded P2P music stealing underground. Nyet.” Let’s seeeeeee… It would probably be the soundtrack to ‘Spiderman 2′ that I bought for Heather.

4. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?

That would depend on which morning and what I did the night before. Work days I aim for 6:45. HAH!

5. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?

Whatever is handy that tickles. Other than that I don’t play favorites. I love all my appliances equally, under God (and it tickles Him).

6. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Oh sure! Just ASSUME that I don’t already play an instrument! That I’m an uncultured weenie that can’t play a violin any better than he can play Mortal Kombat Deception! Well I’ll have you know, you’re right. That said, I’ve always wanted to play the defibrillator. Oh! MUSICAL instrument. The keytar. HAHAHAH. Kidding. In all honesty I’m not terribly keen on playing an instrument. Sorry Trevor.

7. FAVORITE COLOR?

I like CHEESE! (also, this question was already asked in the LAST thingie like this I answered. I’m on to your tricky line of questioning!)

8. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV?

I prefer a sports car that, with a simple push of a button, transforms INTO an SUV! With missles. And a wet bar. Good times will be had then, by golly!

9. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE?

At the rate I’m going, I better hope not.

10. FAVORITE CHILDREN’S BOOK?

Why Timmy Can’t Read (on tape & CD)

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?

The Season of Love, baby! Closely followed by the Season of Our Discontent and the Four Seasons.

12. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

The power to knock down buildings with my penis. When I choose to that is. Not just randomly, like the Hulk’s power. EVERYONE would hear about me. And fear me, if they happen to be in a building when I’m near. “Don’t piss THAT guy off, whatever you do!” I wonder if I would then be classified as a terrorist. They would have to kill me, because there wouldn’t be a prison made that could hold me. Heh.

13. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?

The mummified remains of Hervé Villechaize in the back of my closet. I found it while cleaning. No idea how it got there. I must have gotten it one night when I was out drinking with the guys.

14. CAN YOU JUGGLE?

No, but I can jiggle. Does that count?

15. THE ONE PERSON/PEOPLE FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO?

The one people? Why single out “One” when you are going to add people? Since it doesn’t set a maximum amount, does that mean there is a minimum amount? “No half-people visits allowed!” And do you have to talk, or can you just gawk? Fine then. Let’s see… Jesus I suppose. What would we talk about? That’s between me and Him, nosey.

16. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE DAY?

Another repeat question! Fine. New answer: The day I ascend into heaven with all of my chosen brethren where we will be allowed to look down upon all of the rest of you sinner bastards as you suffer in Pain & Torment™ while we giggle in self-righteous glory. Yay, verily. Kidding again. I kid because I kare. Nah, I’ll remain here as well, stealing the stuff of those who get ascended. So it’ll still be a good day.

17. WHAT’S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?

What? Are you a cop? Do you have a warrant? I don’t have to show you shit! I know my rights! ATTICA! ATTICA!

18. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?

Well now you don’t HAVE to choose! Introducing the new McKings “Ultimate Sushi Burger!” All the great taste of sushi, lightly grilled to sweet golden brown! Try it! You’ll love it! We say so!

19. FROM THE PEOPLE YOU WILL EMAIL THIS TO, WHO’S MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST?

I imagine that I’ll be hearing from God about a couple of my answers. He’s notoriously quick and righteous. Or possibly the FBI. Or God acting through the FBI. Either way, I’m screwed.

20. WHO’S LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?

Same answer. Because really, God’s pretty busy these days what with the election around the corner. He has all those prayers to fend off. Not much to gain by singling out little ol’ me. And the same goes for the FBI. There are REAL criminals out there. No point in rounding up a guy who says he wants to knock down buildings with his penis, or who has hinted that he did (even though he didn’t) occasionally (never) downloaded illegal MP3s from the internet at some point (which of course never happened).

21. WHO DID YOU RECEIVE THIS FROM?

Angela. It’s all her fault. She said I was least likely to respond. The gauntlet was thrown and I had to reply swiftly, decisively and with great ruckus. Yay me.

22. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER?

And another repeat question! I’m mad now! I demand my money back! And my answer is still the snapdragon. You can put one on the fingers of both hands and have a puppet show. On the cheap.

23. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAL?

Any meal that wasn’t my last meal as long as I don’t know that it’s my last meal. Unless it’s really bad, like green bean casserole. Yuck.

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Repeated…

October 18, 2004 by Collin

from my Junk Drawer because nobody goes there and I really like this site:

Even if you aren’t a creative person (working in the advertising business) you can get a kick out of this place. Jeffrey Zeldman Presents: The Ad Graveyard

via boingboing, but I found this place ages ago and didn’t have a blog to post it at.

Very cool.

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Hello everybody!

October 18, 2004 by Collin

“Hi Dr. Nick!”

I hope everyone had a good weekend. For me it was a weekend that felt too short. So, normal.

While driving yesterday to get my Heather flowers for our four month anniversary (which is today) my daughter and I had the following conversation:

Me: I’m thinking we’ll get cheeseburgers for lunch instead of pizza.

Wee Girl: Awwwww! But dad I REALLY want pizza for lunch.

(drive a bit more)

M: Okay, I’ll pick up some Papa Murphy’s pizza to take home after we get the flowers.

WG: Good! Then we can have cheeseburgers for dinner!

M: No, I’m going to make spaghetti for dinner.

WG: Dad! Noooooo! I don’t want spaghetti!

M: Sorry, that’s what we’re having.

WG: But whhhhyyyy?

M: (said in a taunting sing-song voice) Because I’m the one with the money, honey.

WG: (said in a toneless voice) SOMEDAY I’M going to be the one with the money, and I’M going to be the one making dinner and I’M going to make us eat cheeseburgers.

M: (laughing) Okay, sweetie. But tonight you’re having spaghetti.

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It’s Friday

October 15, 2004 by Collin

Here I am at the cusp of going home at the end of a longish work week, and I have nothing ready to post.

I know! It’s amazing! After doing so well lately too.

So I will leave you with this trifle. I took the kids and my brother to IHOP last week for dinner and this was on my daughter’s menu. We had fun with it, simple as it is. I hope you have fun too. And have a good weekend as well. You’ve earned it.

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Critter issues.

October 14, 2004 by Collin

(A bit’o warning: this is not one of my nicer stories)

As the weather gets colder all sorts of outdoor critters try to find a new home in my apartment. Okay, mainly just mice and spiders. And the occasional pigeon.

I can “take care of” the spiders without too much difficulty, and the pigeons usually want to leave, but the mice are another story.

Last fall was the first year that we had a problem with mice in our current apartment after two years of no problems. I handled it by ignoring it. I only saw one mouse one time (I know, if you see one there are at least five you don’t see.) and only had a couple of nights sleep interrupted by scratching and gnawing noises. I made it through okay and there was no sign of them once the weather got warm.

This year I think it’s going to be worse though. It’s like the mice were hanging out with their buddies this past Summer and were bragging about this great place they found to spend the Winter.

“There’re NO other animals, no traps and the smallest human leaves chips, cereal and hot dogs EVERYWHERE! It’s a mouse paradise, I’m telling you! Bring the whole family!”

The last three nights I’ve been awakened between 2 am and 5 am by incessant gnawing, and about a week ago one of the fuzzy little bastards tore across my kitchen floor while I was on the phone.

“So what!” you say. “Set out some traps. Snap and trash, problem gone.” Ahhhh. But I have a story about that:

—

When I left the intolerable situation I was in with “the man my mom married” to go live with my dad in Pueblo, we moved into a house that had mice. My dad got traps and we caught a LOT of mice. It was my job to empty the traps and then reload them for their next victim.

One day, while my dad was out, I had a friend over and we heard the trap under the kitchen sink snap. Now, sometimes the traps kill instantly. No problem. Annnnnd sometimes they don’t. Well, this time not only did it not kill instantly, the mouse had enough life left in him to scream for a long damn time.

After a few minutes it quieted down so we checked on him. He was still alive and when he saw the light from the open cabinet door he started to scream again. His back was totally squished but the hind legs were still twitching hard enough to cause the trap to bounce around.

There are people that can kill an animal without a thought. Especially vermin. I’m not one of those people. I like animals alive more often than dead. I hit the brakes for squirrels. Up to that point I only had to deal with dead mice in the traps.

This one just didn’t want to die, and I had to deal with him.

I could have taken the trap outside and leave it there until later when I was sure the mouse would be dead, but I couldn’t let him suffer like that. It just wasn’t right with me.

So I carried the trap out to the back alley where the garbage cans were and my friend followed. On the way I got the shovel from the garage. I figured that a couple good whacks at most and it’s pain would be over. My intentions were good.

Okay, if you’ve been at all squeamish with this story so far, you may want to skip the rest.

I set the trap down, backed up, raised the shovel over my head and brought it down hard. But something went wrong. I must have been holding the shovel oddly. It twisted sideways on the way down and the edge cut the screaming mouse in half. And he was STILL squeaking! I’m sure with the last of his breath he was screaming, “You fucker! NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! All I wanted was some Twinkie!” I quickly smacked him a couple more times until I was sure he was finally dead.

My friend said, “Wow. I didn’t see that coming,” as I scooped up the top half to put in the trash and unloaded the bottom half from the trap. I felt a bit nauseous.

—

After that I DID use traps again in the house we lived in when my son was born. But I wasn’t about to unload them. Once a trap caught a mouse the whole thing went in the trash and I set out a new trap. Also I was having to do it sneakily because my son who was three at the time just wouldn’t have understood why his dad was killing the cute mice.

Now I have a daughter who is four and my son is 11. There would be explaining to do and I’m just really not up to it.

“Okay, how about DeCon then?” you ask. Well, there are several things wrong with that as I see it.

First, there’s the uber-curious four-year-old. I’ve only had to call the poison control center twice about her and I would like to keep it at that.

Second, there’s the method of death. Causing extreme dehydration in even a mouse would seem to rack up a fair amount of bad karma. I have enough of that already.

Third, it says that mice will seek out the nearest source of water after eating the stuff. I can’t even get the kids to pick up their toys, much less put down the toilet seat. I can picture the first time my daughter goes into the bathroom in the morning and finds a cute little mouse floating face down in the potty bowl. No thanks.

And finally, assuming they don’t drown in the toilet I’ll have mouse mummies in the wall. I don’t want that. I don’t care if there’s no smell, it ‘ooks’ me out.

—

“Get a cat then.”

I’ll cover this one fast. $200 pet deposit, $45 per month additional rent charge, cat box cleaning and cat feeding, allergies caused by extended contact with said cat, cat hair on everything, and random dead mouse bits around the house and in my shoes or on my pillow. No thanks.

—

“Fine you wimp,” you say. “How about calling the apartment office and having THEM take care of it for you.”

Why are you so mean to me?

My problem with that solution has nothing to do with how they will set about accomplishing ridding us of the mice. And only a little to do with how long it could take. My problem is I have a REAL big “thing” about strangers in my house. I can’t stand it. I get very tense when someone I don’t know is in the house for any reason. And a pest control person would probably have to go everywhere and I just can’t do it. Although I might have to. The dilemma.

I’m considering trying out a live trap as my final alternative to calling in the pros. Only which should I get? This or one ofthese? Does anyone still reading this have any success stories involving live traps?

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What can I possibly say? Let’s see!

October 13, 2004 by Collin

Another internet product dissection. This one with a slightly political flavor.

Go have a look at W Ketchup. “You don’t support democrats. Why should your ketchup?”

This reminds me of a comment that I made to Heather on the trip to the Park & Ride before this weekend’s Bronco/Panthers game.

We saw a “Freedom” taxi turning ahead of us and I said, ” That’s showing those filthy FRENCH taxis!” Or something like that. I really don’t listen to me all that often.

What that has to do with anything, I don’t know. But check out that ketchup!

——————–

From their “About” page:

(as usual, my comments are after the — )

“W Ketchup comes in one flavor: American.”

— If Jeffry Dahmer were still around I’m sure he would give this ketchup a hearty thumbs up! (“It’s as tasty on burgers as it is on boys!”)

“In side-by-side taste tests of five leading brands, we found that W Ketchup is second to none”

— Wait… what? So that makes it… first? Or was it just first in line? Too many number words! And who is this “We”? You? The makers of the ketchup? You see, usually taste tests are given to the general public to achieve that whole unbiased thing that products seek. I know, horribly democratic, yet traditional. And for that matter, other than Heinz, who are the other three? I demand full disclosure!

‘Freedom Alliance President Tom Kilgannon said, “When I heard that W Ketchup was donating a portion of their sales to the Freedom Alliance Scholarship Fund, I shouted, ‘Hot dog!’ We relish the opportunity to be involved with such a great product and a great team.”‘

— Hot dog AND relish. What a punny Prez. He must be a riot at parties.

——————–

From their FAQ page:

“What does the “W” stand for?”

Our official position is that the “W” stands for “Washington”.

— Which implies the unofficial position is that it stands for something else. And, added to the Democrat bashing on the home page it’s quite obvious what that something else is. That’s right. “Wumplestiltskin”!

“Why do I have to buy 4 bottles?”

The added handling costs of unpacking, repacking, and shipping a single bottle would make it the most expensive ketchup you’ve ever tasted. We didn’t want to sell a product that was priced too high for many people, so we decided upon the 4 bottle minimum in order to bring the average price down. The average price drops if you buy in bulk, so order a case of W Ketchup and share it with your friends!

— To which I would ask “Why do you have it pre-boxed in sets of four, dummy?” And since when is the threat of a higher cost going to dissuade a Republican with a taste for the finer, politically approved, all-American ketchup?

“How long can I keep W Ketchup?”

The shelf life of W Ketchup is 24 months.

— At which point our jackbooted representatives will drop by your house and forcibly retrieve any unfinished W Ketchup and administer a sound beating to one and all.

“What are the ingredients?”

W Ketchup contains: Tomato Concentrate (Water and Tomato Paste), High Fructose Corn Syrup, Corn Syrup, Vinegar, Salt, Dehydrated Onion, Spice and Natural Flavoring.

— Two kinds of corn syrup? Sounds yummy. What do you think the “Natural Flavoring” is? My guess is “Americans”. (Getting into the horror stricken Charlton Heston pose, “W KETCHUP IS DEMOCRATS!”)

——————–

Okay, now on to the “Order” page. Get this. The minimum order is four (4) bottles as mentioned above, right? So you would assume that you would have to order in groups of four (4, 8, 12, 40,000), right? Since to add in less than four would require that unpacking song and dance whined about earlier.

BUT NO!

After the first 4 (four) you can add on one bottle at a time (up to 12 total bottles). So my question now is, “Why can’t I order that fifth (5th) bottle and you keep the first four (IV), dummy?”

——————–

For added joy head over to read the “Comments”. The politics are a’flyin’!

Also, be sure to stop by the “Press” page and see all of the spiffy press they’ve been getting. Presumably by people who aren’t smartasses like I am.

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This isn’t Bambi’s ‘Thumper’.

October 12, 2004 by Collin

When I was nine I went to a Summer camp for the first and only time in my life. It wasn’t my idea. It was forced on me. In theory it would be good for me and I would learn a lot from it.

I was in a year round school district so my Summer vacation was actually during the end of Fall and through Winter. I was in school all Summer long. I would be back in school after Christmas, so I missed out on Christmas vacation as well. Yeah, it sucked. Thanks District 11.*

So I got to spend three weeks in the mountains, in a cold cabin, wishing I wasn’t.

I remember standing in line at the school in the chilly Fall weather, all bundled up, waiting for the bus to take us to Camp Iforgetthename. My mom was embarrassing me in front of all the other waiting kids by assuring me that I had enough clean underwear packed and how much she was going to miss me.

To be honest, I was going to really miss her too. It was going to be the first time I was away from my family for longer than a weekend and I was quite nervous. The clean underwear I didn’t care about. I was a 9-year-old boy. She was lucky I was *wearing* underwear.

The bus arrived, we kids piled on and waved goodbye to our parents through the windows. Then we were off. I always suspected there was a celebration when the bus was out of site, and part of me was quite concerned that my parents were going to move while I was gone. I would arrive home from my enforced adventure and there would be a “For Sale” sign on the lawn and nobody to be found. My mom’s tears as I was leaving would have really been tears of joy for a plan well done. I was a strange child.

I will now pause in this trip down memory lane to relate a bit of additional information. I’m nearsighted, but I wasn’t born nearsighted. It had begun to manifest in 3rd grade. I HATED my glasses, but I needed them. So I would only wear them when forced to by necessity. I wasn’t wearing them that morning. I was sure I had packed them in my suitcase though, with my socks.

Resume trip.

We arrived at camp and were rounded up from the busses into little groups of ten and taken to our new home away from home. Our cold cabin. There were five bunk beds and I wound up with a bottom bunk.

Since there was so much new stuff to see, and I was tired of the blur of bad vision I opened up my suitcase and dug around for my glasses. I couldn’t find them. I searched the thing three times and could…not…find…them! Farrrgh!

I made an emergency call to home hoping that someone there knew where they were, but nobody did.

So until the last three days (when I found my glasses in my suitcase among my untouched clean underwear like they had never been missing) my time at camp was blurry. It made hiking and wildlife observation difficult and archery impossible. I had to make wallets instead.

Now, about ‘Thumper’.

I had an unusual bunkmate.

About five minutes after ‘light’s out’ our bunk would start to shake with a very fast “thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthump” that lasted a few minutes and then it would stop as suddenly as it had started.

I was a bit freaked by it and the next day a couple of the other cabin dwellers asked me if it was him or me. I assured them it wasn’t me and that night we all listened for it. Sure enough, “thumpthumpthumpthump”. I was vindicated, but still perplexed as to what he was doing.

Back then, I was still ridiculously innocent. I had no idea what the thumping meant. All I knew was that it shook the bed a hell of a lot and added one more unpleasant thing to an already unpleasant time.

It’s possible that I was the only kid there unaware. There were several knowing looks when he was discussed and I did my best to mimic them. I didn’t dare ask for clarification. I may have been ignorant, but I wasn’t stupid. The only conclusion I was able to come to at the time was whatever he was doing it must have been tiring. He was snoring within seconds after the thumping stopped.

By the third day he had earned the nickname ‘Thumper’ and it stuck for the duration of our stay.

I don’t think I took away any precious memories from my time at Camp Iforgetthename, but I did take some new anxieties, most notably the fear of losing my glasses. That’s something, right?

My mom was waiting for the bus to arrive back at school, so I no longer had to fear being abandoned, so I guess it was a trade-off.

I was reminded of ‘Thumper’ when I was in the Air Force during basic training. There was a guy a few bunks down who engaged in a similar bedtime ritual. By that time I was no longer innocent and was just grateful that he wasn’t above my head like the original had been.

—

*An explanation of Year-Round school. If I recall correctly (a lot of this time period is blocked out in my brain) elementary school went from K-6, then Jr. High was 7-9 and HS was 10-12. And the entire time that I was attending Penrose Elementary (3rd-6th) I was in this STUPID year-round thing.

The way it worked was the whole year was broken up into 3 blocks, A, B, and C. The A blockers had the Spring/Summer off, the B blockers had Summer/Fall (around a normal vacation), and the C’s had Fall/Winter. It took an act of God for you to change blocks once you had been assigned one since to switch would mean either getting a double-length vacation or none at all. I was a ‘C’.

WELL. Going from 6th grade to 7th grade they decided to do away with the whole Year-Round idea. Realized it was stupid. So when I was finishing up my school year I was informed that I had about two weeks off before I had to start 7th grade.

Toss into the mix my parent’s divorce, my mom getting involved with “the man she married” and my going to an entirely different school than my friends and it’s no wonder I’ve blocked it out.

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Clowns: Why God, why?

October 8, 2004 by Collin

I’ve mentioned clowns in the past (specifically Rodeo Clowns), and vampire clowns more recently, but I have no idea why I find the concept of clowns to be funny.

I have never seen a specific clown that I considered to actually BE funny. Not even the world renowned ‘Bozo the Clown’. Yet “clowns” amuse me.

I don’t have a fear of clowns like a few people I know. I certainly can recognize the potential for evil in them, both real and fictional, so I’ll never really trust one, but I don’t fear them either. Not even in little sullen gangs of five or more. That merely compounds the mirth.

I’m guessing it has at least SOMETHING to do with the shoes. If you can’t outrun someone who’s wearing clown shoes you deserve what you get. And if he has a gun it’s no problem either. Odds are he’ll be sweating and makeup will get in his eyes. Anyone can dodge the shots of a sweaty blind clown. I doubt he could even get off a lucky shot. If he had luck in his life he wouldn’t be a clown with a gun. Nothing to fear.

So that explains why I’m no more afraid of clowns than any other random person on the street. Actually less. Clowns attract attention to themselves. Random street people can be sneaky.

But why do I find clowning to be funny? I’m quite sure that I’m not laughing with them. It’s straight at them. Yet if I see some goober who is unable to dress himself without appearing totally insane I feel pity and look away. But I don’t pity the clowns. And I can’t look away without effort or a better distraction.

Is it because they are doing it on purpose? They know what they are doing, and can presumably act sensibly when not in clown mode. Is that why I feel that weird glee? I just don’t know.

Maybe I need to consider the mind of a clown.

What possesses someone to take up clowning? Is it some strange exhibitionist thing? Are they failed actors who want to hang onto whatever small amount of attention that they can? Did they start off as class clowns before heading off to clown classes? Do they have some fond childhood memory of a special clown that once touched them in a special way? (Take that however you want, I can’t stop you.) Do they have a burning desire to give back to the community in a way that most people wouldn’t even consider? Are they just weird?

I wish I had some answers. Without actually looking for them that is. Minimal effort. Words to live by.

As far as I know (no telling what some people do behind closed doors) none of my friends are clowns, so I can’t ask them. But if I found out that one was, would it change my opinion of him or her? Would I distance myself from him or her (or them) for fear of “catching the clown”? Would they or she (or he) pressure me to throw birthday parties for kids that I vaguely know so he or she (or they) can strut “the stuff”?

I sure hope not. I like to think that I am a reasonably open-minded person who can handle whatever clowns that life tosses my way, be they friend or foe. And giggle while doing it.

—

On a related note (and the thing that really got me thinking about clowns) one of the applicants for an artist position at our agency had listed that he used to be a “clown for Jesus”. That amused me even more than the fact that he was applying from the newspaper where Derek and I used to work.

I don’t recall who he was affiliated with, but it was probably someone like these people. I’m not saying they are bad people, or even crazy people. I’m just saying… check out the skits!

I also noticed that in the Clown Commandments the 7th one is missing. “7. I will not take home any of the children and eat them.” A bit of an oversight.

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About me:

October 7, 2004 by Collin

(My answers to an email)

1. What time is it?

Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care? (About the tiiiiime…)

2. Name as it appears on birth certificate?

Which one? On the most recent it is Collin Travis Burton. On the earlier ones it isn’t. I’m a man of mystery. Yep.

3. What is your nickname?

I flat out refuse to name my nick. What’s the point? It doesn’t come when I call.

4. How many candles on your last cake?

If I had a candle, I’d a candle in the morning. I’d a candle in the evening. All over this caaaake! Um. Sorry. 36. I really should know better by now.

5. Pets?

No thanks, I’m full. I had a muffin.

6. Natural Hair?

Versus my unnatural, Satan infused hair? Just kidding. It’s all natural, baby! And if you meant “Natural Hair Color?” that would be red. Naturally.

7. Piercings:

My left ear at one point, but the hole closed over. Oh, and my knee when I rammed it on that nail in the fence. That closed over too though.

8. Eye color:

Green/Grey/Blue. And when I’m really tired or evil they turn red.

9. Hometown:

That’s where I was born. Yep. MmmHmmm.

10. Town/City you live in:

Colorado Springs is the place that I call Town/City! It’s like a home to meeeee.

11. Favorite food:

Eat the homeless! Eat the whales! Eat the world! yumyumyum…

12. Ever been to Australia?

Why? Are they talking about me there? Those Aussie bastards! (shaking fist in a continent menacing manner. grrrr!)

13. Ever been toilet papering?

In Australia? Who hasn’t?! Oh, wait, no.

14. Been in a car accident?

Yes, three times. It was lovely. Been to Australia? I hear it’s toilet papery.

15. Love someone so much it made you cry?

Yes. Now as a matter of fact. Well, I don’t mean I’m crying now. But I do love this someone that much.

16. Croutons or bacon bits?

I have to chooooose?! Hmmm… Croutons. And Ranch. With a side of pets. And a smattering of homeless whales. That’s good eatin’!

17. Favorite day of the week:

Payday. Every other day costs me money.

18. Favorite restaurants:

Macaroni Grill (the asiago sauce is to die for), Red Robin (the seasoned fries are to die for), Rudy’s (the Ray’s favorite is to die for) and Fulchi’s (the zombies are to die from).

19. Favorite flower:

Snapdragons. They are sweet! They are the only flower I know of that can look smug.

20. Favorite sport to watch:

Sex. Or hockey. And there’s no hockey this year, so I guess I’ll have to watch a whole lot more sex. “He shoots! He scoooores! Do you believe in miracles?!”

21. Favorite drink:

That whiskey we had at work yesterday was pretty good. But a nice root beer shake wouldn’t have made me as dizzy.

22. Favorite ice cream:

Variations of chocolate. Oh yeah! And this time of year there is a very tasty pumpkin pie ice cream. Yummy!

23. Disney or Warner Bros?

Whichever will hire me. I know, I’m a whore. I like Disney’s animated movies more than Warner Bros., but I like Warner’s TV cartoons better than Disney’s. It’s a web of evil.

24. Favorite fast food restaurant:

Is there really such a thing as “favorite” fast food restaurant? That’s usually the meal of last resort. If I were to claim the most frequented last resort as my favorite I guess it would be Subway.

25. What color is your bedroom carpet?

Various shades of kool-aid.

26. How many times did you fail your drivers test?

None. Money talks. If that doesn’t work it’s best to pull a gun. They respect that in a potential driver. It shows you take driving seriously.

27. Before this one, from whom did you get your last email?

Someone claiming to be Jesus selling discount software and medication. He wanted to save me money and my soul. Very persuasive, but I just couldn’t trust him. He had shifty “i”s.

28. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?

Hahahahahaha! Already THERE baby! Whoooo! It’s a good thing they don’t have debtor’s prisons anymore.

29. What do you do most often when you are bored?

Fidget.

30. What is your bedtime?

I have no bedtime! I’m my own master, by GOD! But I usually fall asleep around midnight, give or take an hour.

31. Who will respond to this email quickest?

Since I am putting this on the web for the whole world to see this is difficult to guess. Let’s see…. I’ll bet Pablo will. We’re tight.

32. Who is the person you send this to that is least likely to respond?

That guy that died after reading this. Poor guy. I hardly knew him. I expect everyone else to respond. Optimistic or delirious? You decide! (and try not to be that dead guy)

33. Favorite TV shows?

Invader Zim, Black Adder, Freaks & Geeks, CSI, 24, hike!

34. Last person you went out to dinner with?

Heather, my kids and Jesus. He’s always with me. Never pays the check though. Claims He doesn’t carry cash since He has no pockets.

35. Ford or Chevy?

Let’s see… Gerald Ford or Chevy Chase… Ford was funny, but Chevy was funnier. Until recently that is. Still, given my options I have to go with Chevy.

36. What is your favorite color?

Green. Followed by burgandy. But not together. That would be nasty.

37. What do you think question #37 was?

“What is your quest?”

38. Steak or chicken?

If I’m fighting off vampires I would choose steaks. And for clowns, chickens. Or bullets. It’s a lot easier to take down a clown than a vampire. Especially if they are still in the car and your shots have good grouping. I hope I never meet a vampire clown though. (“Steak or chicken? Steak or chicken? FUCK!”)

39. How many tattoos do you have?

So many I had to go get a new skin. Or none. Let’s go with none. I have some that I designed though. If someone puts one of my tattoos on their skin does it count toward my total?

40. Time you finished this email?

It IS about time I finished this, isn’t it?

Directions: Copy this email and change the answers to match your own responses to the questions. Then send this to as many people as you would like to share with who won’t get pissed at you for doing so, including the person that sent it to you. Especially the person who sent it to you. If you send it to NOBODY else, send it to that person! I mean it! If you don’t they will plot against you! They will hurt you in your sleep! You have been warned. WoooOOOoooOOOOOoooooooooooo….

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