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January, 2005

  1. Happy Birthday to my baby!

    January 25, 2005 by Collin

    Today is Heather’s birthday! If you feel inclined to do so, and haven’t already, drop by her site and wish her a big happy!

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  2. Oh yeah, happy "Worst Day of the Year!"

    January 24, 2005 by Collin

    MSNBC – Jan. 24 called worst day of the year

    via Retail Blog.

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  3. It’s good to be back.

    January 24, 2005 by Collin

    I had the nightmare from Hell last night. It was the type of nightmare I usually have BEFORE going on vacation. I’m never good with the details of these dreamy thingies but here’s the gist of it:

    It was almost time to go home on Monday night. I suddenly realized I had four brand new ads on my desk that were due at 8 am the next morning and I hadn’t started them yet for some odd reason.

    Three of them were easy small ads, but the fourth was a monster. It was a quarter page sized ad with somewhere between six and ten new cars that needed to go in and no shell to work from. Each car also had about three pages of extra descriptive information that HAD to be in there.

    The AE said that the client wanted to see a proof before I went home and she wasn’t going to stick around. She gave me his email address, said I couldn’t leave until I heard back from him and then left.

    I don’t know if the other ads went to other artists or I just ignored them, but all my attention was on getting this one ad built. And it was impossible. It couldn’t be done. But that is what I spent my entire night trying to do. I wish I could remember the vehicle descriptions. They were quite insane. The whole time I’m trying to complete this impossible task I’m thinking about how late it’s getting and how my kids are at home, waiting for me to show up and feed them and put them to bed, and I’m still fighting this Hell-sent ad.

    At some point I snapped awake just enough to know it was a dream and I said to myself, “Just set the fucking thing on fire when you get back.” then fell right back into the dream. And forgot that it was a dream. It was like I had drifted off into wakefulness within the dream and was now asleep-awake thinking that I had dreamed that it was all a dream and since I had fallen awake I was even further behind on the ad. Fun, huh?

    Then people start coming in and remarking about how they are surprised I’m still there since it’s almost 8 am and the ad is only half done and the client is going to be pissed and there is no way I’ll be done on time.

    Finally my alarm went off and I had to get up and go to work.

    Yes indeed. It’s good to be back.

    As a postscript, against all of my expectations the board has remained empty all morning. That won’t last, but I’m trying to enjoy it while I can.

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  4. Just kidding.

    January 24, 2005 by Collin

    No post. Surprised?

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  5. I’m still alive

    January 21, 2005 by Collin

    I’m just enjoying my vacation which is swiftly coming to an end. I’ve accomplished about 10% of what I wanted to, but that is mostly due to bad time management. I think I appreciate my spare time a bit more when I have less of it. Not that I’m in a hurry to go back to work or anything. I’d rather have more spare time and waste it than have less and cram everything in. I’ll try to have an entertaining post some time on Saturday or Sunday night.

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  6. Nosey thingie post

    January 14, 2005 by Collin

    Heather tossed down the gauntlet and I picked it up and said, “Okay. Fine. I’ll do it, but be prepared for it to be stupid and/or silly!” And it is:

    —

    3 names you go by:

    Collin

    The Tickle Bandit

    Lord of all He surveys

    3 screen names you’ve had:

    Sketch

    Pen

    Spectre

    3 things you like about yourself:

    I’m relatively intelligent

    I learn fast

    My bones are made of pure sunlight

    3 things you hate/dislike about yourself:

    How shy I am

    How I overanalyze things

    The way my bones keep me awake at night

    3 parts of your heritage:

    My Mother

    My Father

    Some other really, really, really, REALLY old people

    3 things that scare you:

    Doing taxes

    Going to prison

    Hearing voices that tell me to kill

    3 of your everyday essentials:

    Seeing or talking to Heather

    Macintosh G5 dual etc.

    Alarm clock

    3 things you’re wearing right now:

    Jeans

    Biker boots

    A stupid look on my face, mostly hidden behind my beard

    3 of your favorite bands/artists:

    Talking Heads

    Scissor Sisters

    The Kinks

    3 of your favorite songs at present:

    I honestly have no idea

    I’m horrible with song names

    Boogie Fever

    3 of your favorite songs EVER:

    Burning Down the House

    Life During Wartime

    Always Look On The Bright Side of Life

    3 new things you want to try in the next 12 months:

    Buy a house

    Pay off Sears

    Get winged monkeys to leap from my butt

    3 things you want in a relationship (love is a given):

    Honesty

    Trust

    Fantabulous sex

    2 truths and a lie (no particular order to keep ya guessing):

    The next sentence is true

    The previous sentence is false

    I like cheese

    3 Physical things about a love interest that appeal:

    Her smile

    Her eyes

    How comfortable she feels when we cuddle

    3 things you just can’t do:

    Catch moonbeams in a jar

    Turn my body inside out and do a little dance

    Balance the world on my pinkie

    3 of your favorite hobbies:

    Reading

    Gaming

    Creating stuff

    3 things you want to do really badly right now:

    Go home

    Start my vacation

    Give Heather a big smooch

    3 careers you’re considering:

    Advertising Graphic Designer (hahahahahahahah)

    Game Designer

    Supreme Ruler of All Creation

    3 places you want to go on vacation:

    Las Vegas

    England

    A really nice restaurant

    3 kids names (either boy or girl):

    Winkie Wee One

    Pooter McBabblebox

    Orca

    3 things you want to do before you die:

    Make a Will

    Find a way to live an additional 500 or so years

    See the RIAA, the MPAA and the Disney copyright lawyers sobbing with defeat and shame

    3 people who have to take this quiz now:

    The Pope

    George Bush

    God

    —

    Have a good Weekend everyone.

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  7. Wouldn’t you know…

    January 11, 2005 by Collin

    I’d decided to stop posting the spam that I get after that last one because it almost never generates comments (although, come to think of it, nothing else really does either), therefor I assume that it doesn’t interest anyone. I guess I understand it, since one spam is pretty much like another and we ALL get spammed. Derek gets a daily buttload of spam. Daily.

    But once in awhile a piece of spam comes across that seems new and fresh in its approach or even just funny. I just wasn’t expecting one so soon. I’ve had to retype it since the spammy bit is an image file, although the text included to try to slip it past spam filters* was quite amusing as well.

    Here it is with my comments in red:

    From: correctness@ctoa.com (but it listed the “From” as “Refreshed A. Rightness” on the mail list, a solid Christian name if ever I read one)

    Subject: SPAM-HIGH: Wakey wakey! (Eggs and bakey!)

    Date: January 8, 2005 7:21:17 AM MST

    To: collin@grahamcenter.com

    Good evening, (this bit was text)

    Dear Friend,

    If you would like to make love with one (or more) women who are almost crazy to have sex with you, this will be the most exciting message you will ever read.

    (Are you kidding? They would be almost crazy not to! And is that “(or more)” at one time?! Good golly, this IS exciting! Possibly the MOST EXCITING thingie whatsit.)

    Here is why.

    (Do tell! My heart is racing from the excitement! And to keep my blood pumping so I don’t die, of course. But mainly excitement!)

    Julie Paris (no relation to that other young woman named Paris) is a lesbian who lives in Miami Beach, Florida. (Good thing you cleared that up. I would hate to confuse a nice, wholesome lesbian living on the edge in Miami Beach with a vapid slut.) Actually, she is bi-sexual… (Did you think about this before you sat down to write? Next thing you’ll be telling me is she’s ambisexual. Good with either sex on either hand.) but… she hardly ever “wastes her time” with men. (Um. We seem to be off topic. Excitement waning.) That’s because (according to her) (says you) most men just don’t have a clue about how to satisfy a woman in bed. (Professor Tongue in the Labia with the Clitoris.)

    For years, Julie has studied chemistry and its biological effect on women. (She spent years smoking weed and luring women to her room to help her “research”…”Trust me, I’m a scientist!”) She is responsible for creating many of the top cosmetic products in the entire world. (Like “Cold Cream” and… um… “Q-Tips”. And that thing that makes your eyelashes curl. Bean farts**.) But now, she has created a product called “Fire Play” (I hope this isn’t just lighting the bean farts.) that makes almost all women…

    Instantly Horny! (Oh it’s not! It’s so not! Lighting off bean farts never “makes almost all women… Instantly Horny!” My excitement has returned and it is stronger than EVER! Whooboy. Feel the burn.)

    Click here to learn more about this product! (Don’t bother clicking there since I didn’t link it.)

    And here is the bonus spam filter dodging text:

    Leh mu muBe smart, be intelligent and be informed.

    One should eat to live, not live to eat. I am not an adventurer by choice but by fate.To desire is to obtain to aspire is to achieve.

    There isn’t any finer folks living than a Republican that votes the Democratic ticket. The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

    Attention to health is life greatest hindrance. I never said all actors are cattle, what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.

    Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven’t committed.Power is so characteristically calm, that calmness in itself has the aspect of strength.

    Hypocrisy is the homage that vice pays to virtue.Where one man reads the Bible, a hundred read you and me.

    Win or lose, do it fairly. It makes sense that there is no sense without God.

    True dignity is never gained by place, and never lost when honors are withdrawn.

    —

    IF Julie Paris is real and IF she really has made a product that will do all this says, then I apologize for my flippant comments. HAHAhahaHAHA! heh. Anyway. I’ll not share anymore spam for awhile.

    —

    *Even with the text added it still registered on our system as “SPAM-HIGH”

    **Sorry about that. I don’t know what came over me. For what it’s worth a search of “Julie Paris Cosmetics” on Google turned up nothing relevant. BUT “Julie Paris Cosmetic” turned up THIS site. Very interesting and offering great insight into the hearts and minds of evil men.

    I especially love this quote:

    “Plus, I also think after you read this website, you will realize… without any question whatsoever… that when it comes to writing website copy (or any other kind of copy) I am truly the “800 pound guerrilla” who can walk through the valley with no fear of competition whatsoever.”

    Would this perhaps be the valley of Suck? How are you at writing carbon copy? I’ll stop now since, according to his main page, he’s quite litigious and jealous of his “newsletters” being used without God-knows-what:

    “Don’t even think about reproducing and/or selling… even one sentence… of these letters in any form whatsoever. They are all copyrighted and, if you do rip them off, I guarantee you will have a “legal experience” so unpleasant… it will give you nightmares forever!”

    So there you people go. I’m risking nightmares forever to entertain you. I hope you’re happy.

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  8. There’s an off chance…

    January 10, 2005 by Collin

    that I’m the only person twisted enough to think of this, but I doubt it.

    This machine mentioned at boing boing:

    Boing Boing: Machine chops almost anything into micron-size pieces

    could be very effective way of disposing bodies. I wonder if “The Mob” are building one?

    Nonetheless, very cool.

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  9. Oops there goes another blogger’s job.

    January 10, 2005 by Collin

    I’m writing this while scarfing down my lunch in between ads. It’s looking to be a busy week so I’m not sure that I will be posting much this week. I’ll be taking next week off to unwind and celebrate my daughter’s birthday which will either mean mo’betta posts or… well, nothing. We’ll see.

    While I was eating I was scanning boing boing and there were a couple of stories about bloggers who have lost their jobs, or were threatened by their employers due to their blogging that I will list…

    …

    …

    wait for it…

    …

    now:

    “Waterstone’s fires 11-year-employee for blogging”

    “Companies that have fired people for blogging”

    This leads me to wonder once again what would happen if someone here where Derek and I work – other than all the freaking people we’ve told – were to come across our blogs and read some of the stuff we’ve written. Okay, mostly the stuff I’ve written. Derek doesn’t talk about work as much as I do.

    I wonder how they would go about firing me. Would I come back from lunch to find they’ve changed the locks and left my crap on the sidewalk with a note that reads, “Better luck next job, blog boy!”? Or would they perhaps realize that I need this occasional outlet to keep me from snapping and going on a rampage with an X-Acto, stapler and paper cutter? Would they see the humor in that previous sentence? These are all questions that I hope to never know the answers to.

    And now I shall return to work. My blessed, most enjoyed provider of the funds I need to continue my meager existence and provide food for my two adorable and dependent children who would really hate it if their dad were to lose his job and their home due to somebody not having a sense of humor.

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  10. Happy Friday.

    January 7, 2005 by Collin

    Enjoy the brainless strawberry.

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