April 18, 2007 by Collin
A really quick sketch/illustration for this week’s Illustration Friday word, “Fortune”:
Like I said, really quick. I don’t quite like it, but I also don’t think I’ll have enough time to do anything better. Drawn in Alias Sketchbook Pro.
The initial, uncolored sketch:
I have a project involving drawing zombies that I hope to get to sometime this weekend. Ish. I’ll post more about that later.
Category Art | Tags: | 4 Comments
April 16, 2007 by Derek Knight
Here’s a little email I received earlier today…As always, my comments are the ones in red.
From:prof_ch_soludo_govn@yahoo.com
To:me
Subject:Truth of the matter is that this shit is spam
ATTN:HON CONTRACTOR by “Hon,” I hope to Hell that you mean “honorable” and that you’re not just calling me “hon” like short for “honey buns” or “honey cheeks” or (please, God, no) “honey nuts”
AFTER WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU keep fucking waiting OR YOUR NIGERIAN PARTNER like I said, kee…Hey, wait, what? FOR A LONG TIME NOW, I have a Nigerian partner? I DECIDED TO MAKE THIS DIRECT APPROACH as opposed to skulking around in the bushes, tossing pebbles at your window in hopes of catching a fleeting glimpse at you in your nightgown TO YOU AS MY NEW RESOLUTION also: quitting smoking, losing weight and not stealing so much British Pound Monies IN OTHER NOT TO LET IT BE AS IF I HAVE ANYTHING IN MIND AGAINST YOU ok, uh…you lost me. I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU HAVE ASKED YOURSELF WHY EACH TIME THE RELEASE OF THIS FUND IS APPROVED, ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE PAYMENT WILL BE STOPPED Well, I can tell you that I HAVE asked myself “WTF?” for a while now. I mean, I do all that these people ask of me, I send my monies and such and still: no Hella’ big stacks of monies appear in MY bank account(s) OR ONE PROBLEM OR THE OTHER WILL COME UP IF YOU HAVE NOT ASKED THIS QUESTION OR YOU DO NOT KNOW, or perhaps you are of the “special” variety and have taken an interest in licking windows to pass the time THE THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO TELL YOU. I feel ‘de gossips a-comin’ on
SOME TIME AGO, YOUR NIGERIAN FRIENDS, if you can call them “friends.” They never call, they never write…They never send hella’ big stacks of British Pound monies… I MEAN THE PEOPLE THAT INTRODUCED YOU TO THE PROJECT ah, of course…wink wink…”the people” APPROACHED ME THROUGH MY DEAR WIFE as opposed to that other wife of mine who isn’t near as dear and, frankly, is a bit of a bitch WHO WORK conveniently enough WITH THE MINISTRY OF FINANCE AND REQUESTED ME TO ASSIST THEM CONCLUDE A MONEY TRANSFER DEAL please to refresh my memory: is this the guy who was killed when the plane crashed or the other one who just up and disappeared? I mean, I AM “next of kin” (wink wink) for several individuals now THEY HAD WITH YOU. THEY REQUESTED ME TO ASSIST THEM BY REMOVING THE ORIGINAL CONTRACTOR’S NAME, COMPANY’S NAME AND BANK PARTICULARS try “Goo Gone,” that shit’ll clean ANYTHING up FROM THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA hereafter known as (CBN) VETTING WTF? COMPUTER AND REPLACING THEM WITH YOUR NAME AND BANK DETAILS IN ORDER TO MAKE YOU APPEAR AS THE RIGHTFUL BENEFICIARY ’cause you know that I SO am OF THIS FUND. I AGREED ON CONDITION THAT THEY WILL PAY ME U.S. $3 MILLION and buy me lunch and hey, maybe a Pop-Tart or two…Also I’ve always wanted a pony. OOH and a Power Wheels GRAVEDIGGER! Yeah! And… AS SOON AS YOUR NAME APPEARS AS THE BENEFICIARY. I DID AS AGREED AND DEMANDED TO BE PAID Pop-Tarts first, BUT YOUR FRIENDS right, “Friends” STARTED TELLING ME STORIES which eventually sent me off to sleep, my precious teddy bear under one arm and my thumb firmly in my mouth, THEY EVEN TOLD ME YOU PROMISED TO SEND MONEY TO ME well, they lied. As they say in my country, “cram it in your ass, pal.”. DO YOU KNOW THAT UP TILL NOW, I HAVE NOT RECEIVED A SINGLE CENT FROM THEM NO! YOU DON’T SAY! Why, if I were you, I’d walk right over to their office and raise quite the stink! Not received a single cent, HOW DARE THEY!? AND HAVE NOT SET MY EYES ON ANY OF THEM? Wait, you mean you haven’t set your eyes on any MONIES or any NIGERIANS? or, even worse, is this one of those horrible stories where you have a detached retina and are just looking, quite literally, to “rest your eyes?” BASED ON THEIR ATTITUDE fuckers, I DECIDED TO STOP THE FUND RELEASE MOVEMENT which was not easy…I mean, have you ever tried to just stop a BOWEL movement? Think that, but 2.5 times harder. NOT. EASY. Also, a little painful. BECAUSE I CANNOT BE DENIED OF MY RIGHT IN MY OWN OFFICE after all, a dirty spammer’s office IS his castle CONSIDERING THE RISK AS IT MIGHT AFFECT MY JOB NO…You Don’t say… AND I KNOW THE SOURCE OF THE FUNDS THAT YOU DID NOT EXECUTE ANY CONTRACT IN NIGERIA hey now, don’t you go spreading rumors there, pal, ALTHOUGH I AM THE ONLY PERSON PRIVILEGED TO KNOW THIS INFORMATION AND IT IS A FACT. Well aren’t YOU special? Wanna gold star for the day? How about a cookie?
WHY I AM MAKING THIS CLEAR TO YOU IS THAT by pretending that I’m NOT Nigerian and by BADMOUTHING Nigerians, I figure that you’ll play along I CAN SEE THAT YOU ARE STILL MAKING EFFORTS IN ORDER TO CONCLUDE THIS PROJECT if, by “conclude” you mean, hitting the “This is Spam” button…Well yes, yes I am. NOW I AM READY TO FORGET THE PAST.Oh, I always KNEW that you’d come back to me! I DO NOT NEED THE US$3 MILLION ANY LONGER WHEW! Now THERE’S a load off MY mind FROM YOU BUT A GOOD COMPENSATION FROM YOUR MIND how’s about a nice TRIVIA question? What’s black and white and red all over? WRONG! IT’S A NUN! A…uh…bloody nun…Um…Wait, I think I told it wrong…Hold up. I NEED YOUR ASSURANCE THAT THOSE COLLEAGUES Who, them Nigerians? WILL BE TOTALLY KEPT OUT OF THIS TRANSACTION which one, the me NOT paying you big stacks of U.S. Dollars? AND I KNOW THAT NONE OF THEM IS AWARE OF MY NEW APPROACH TO YOU ’cause they all so stupid and these internets are all so foreign to them and the emails? Please, don’t get me started...STOP SPENDING YOUR MONEY UNNECESSARILY and start spending it WITH ME TO CBN OFFICERS HERE BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE THIS MONEY WITHOUT MY HAND IN IT and I totally mean that literally: you’ll receive my severed hand. Right or left, you decide. All raw and bloody…Spooky, spooky severed hand…DON’T TRY ME, WHITE BOY! I’ll SO do it. I PERSONALLY DID THE WORK AT THE BEGINNING AND ONLY ME CAN CONCLUDE IT SUCESSFULLY. Hey, newsflash, Jackson: only ME can prevent forest fires. I doubt that ONLY YOU can complete this transaction successfully. I mean, what…Are you the only cat that can READ where you live?
FINALLY, I NEED YOUR PROMISE THAT NO OFFICIAL OF THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA fuck them WILL BE AWARE OF MY INVOLVEMENT IN THIS TRANSACTIONS um…haven’t you already fucked that up a wee bit? BECAUSE OF MY POSITION which, since you asked, is face down, ass up. That’s the way we like to fuck, dontcha know?. I WANT YOU TO REASSURE ME and hold me and tell me I’m pretty THAT YOU WILL BE WILLING TO COMPENSATE ME AND THAT YOU WILL ASSIST MY WIFE TO ESTABLISH A FOREIGN ACCOUNT IN YOUR COUNTRY WHERE MY OWN PERCENTAGE WILL BE LODGED oh, you’ll get something “lodged,” don’t you worry…I can assure you of that, pal. IF YOU AGREE, I WILL SEND YOU A KTT FUND RELEASE APPROVAL DOCUMENTS FOR YOUR ENDORSEMENT When dealing with dishonest foreigners, I ALWAYS trust KTT Fund Release Approval Documents. Whether home or abroad, KTT Documents are the Spammer’s first choice! (how was that?) AFTER WHICH YOUR BANK ACCOUNT SHALL BE CREDITED WITHIN 48 HOURS THROUGH GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA CRUDE OIL RESERVE ACCOUNT with having singlehandedly brought about the fall of communism. Look, we know it’s not true, but Wikipedia will buy it as a citation and you’ll be hella’ famous!.
I AM A MAN OF MY WORD you don’t say! AND IF YOU ARE READY TO CONCLUDE THIS BUSINESS WITH ME, CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY SO THAT WE CAN HAVE A CHAT OVER THIS ISSUE BUT IF THE REVERSE IS THE CASE, what, that I don’t want to conclude? I’m confused DO NOT BOTHER YOURSELF TO REACH ME AND FORGET ABOUT THIS MONEY done and done!. AWAITING YOUR PROMPT COMPLIANCE are you threatening me? AND MY BEST REGARDS.
PROF CHARLES SOLUDO
EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR- CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA. hey, wait! You’re a dirty fucking Nigerian TOO! WHY!? WHY DO YOU LIE TO ME? And I was SO about to send off all of my monies…Oh well…
Category Spam | Tags: | No Comments
April 16, 2007 by Collin
A little over a week ago I had just finished reading Orson Scott Card’s novel “Ender’s Game“
It was a great book.
At around the same time Randall Munroe put up this comic at xkcd:
It’s a great comic. But only if you’ve read the book. Otherwise it’s “wtf?”
Still. Fun coincidence.
—
On an unrelated note, I shaved off all of my facial hair on Friday. After I’d finished, I wiped away the lingering foam, took a good look in the mirror and thought, “Now I remember why I grew a beard in the first place.” Luckily Heather still loves me, although both of my children screamed when they saw me. Seriously. No joke. Derek says I look less scary. Less threatening. Where’s the fun in that? Especially since I have a teenager to keep in line. Grow little hairs, grow!
Category Adrift | Tags: | 4 Comments
April 12, 2007 by Collin
I decided last week that missing four Illustration Fridays in a row was enough. I would do something for the next topic no matter what. So, naturally, the next topic was a color. Oh sure, my favorite color, but nonetheless. A color. (insert “Collin sigh”)
The first idea I had was a leprechaun with his back to the viewer and the headline “It’s not easy peeing green”, but I just didn’t have the time.
Instead you get this:
And the sketch:
I’m pretty sure I’ve used these “characters” for an Illustration Friday in the past, but I can’t remember what the topic was. I’m betting it was color related.
Category Projects | Tags: illustration friday | 7 Comments
April 5, 2007 by Collin
I’m betting everyone who stops by here are sick of seeing penis patch spam lingering at the top of the site like a bloated snitch carcass whose cement shoes slipped off, so I figured I should post something. Lacking anything funny or artistic, I guess I’ll have to do something else.
So. Here it is Thursday again and for the third week in a row I don’t have anything for Illustration Friday. Sorry about that. I’ve just been too busy to draw. Not too busy to read though.
My brother has been wanting my old Apple G4 Cube for many years now, but I held off because even though they stopped making them ONE FREAKIN’ MONTH after I bought mine, I really liked it. It was small, quiet and a decent computer for the time. For the last year and a half I haven’t needed it though since I bought a G5 tower. It’s just been hanging out in Justin’s room acting as a jukebox.
On Monday Trevor really started pushing for me to trade it to him. The first offer he presented to me was his 80 GB video iPod, an old G3 tower and a tablet (non-WACOM) that Jordyn could use in exchange for the Cube and the 3rd Generation iPod that he sold me a couple years ago. The thing is, I almost never use my iPod for listening to music and the thought of watching a movie on a tiny screen doesn’t appeal to me either. So I said no thanks. Then he asked me what I wanted. I thought about it and then jokingly said, “how about your Sony Reader for just the Cube?” figuring he would never go for that. Turns out he did. He still wants my iPod – sentimental reasons: it was his first – but that wasn’t part of the deal.
Am I happy with the trade? Damned straight. So you know what I’m talking about you can find out more information on the Sony Portable Reader here: SPR.
I’ve wanted once since last November, but I just couldn’t swing it. It cost too much and it was too close to Christmas.
Now that I’ve had it for a few days, here’s what I don’t like about it:
There is, at this time, no way to connect directly to the Reader using the Apple OS so that you can do things like manage collections or purchase books from the Connect store. They say they’re looking into it, but this is Sony. They’ve been known to lie. *ahem* ‘rootkit!’
There was one program released by someone apart from Sony that looked promising, and does actually recognize the reader when you connect it to the Mac. However you can only add ebooks to the built in memory as far as I can figure out, and you can’t manage any ebooks that are already there. Also the interface of that program is non-intuitive and it crashed on me twice. In time this may be fixed, Sony may offer a solution, or Apple might release their own reader. The iReader. That would be great. iPhone? iDon’t-give-a-crap! Give me an iReader!
—
This is the first generation, so it’s expensive. Not exactly my problem since I traded for it, however now that I’ve had time to try it out I want to buy one for Heather. Here’s hoping the price drops later this year. $350 would buy quite a few paper books.
—
From what I’ve read elsewhere, the navigation is silly for listening to music. I personally don’t care because I will never use it to listen to music, mostly because of the additional battery drain but also because if I really want to listen to music I’ll use an MP3 player, like my iPod. Just because you’re Sony doesn’t mean everything you make has to play music. I have to wonder how much lower the price could have been if they had left out the ability to play MP3s.
—
It isn’t backlit and the natural grey of the screen makes reading it in lower light levels somewhat difficult. But I also like the fact that it isn’t backlit because it’s more like reading a page than looking at a screen and the battery lasts a lot longer. Up to 7,500 page turns in fact, but I’ll write about that in a bit.
—
The page turning buttons along the left side of the screen should also be on the right side so that when it’s in its case you can hold it like a book and change pages naturally with your right thumb rather than having to reach across the screen or shift your left hand to the middle. Get rid of the MP3 capability, get rid of the volume buttons and add page buttons on both sides.
—
It has the ability to store and view pictures as well, but I haven’t tried it. What’s the point? It’s black & white. If they develop a color version I can see using that feature, but not until then.
—
And here’s what I like about it:
If I’m reading something and I want to change books I push a few buttons. If I’m nowhere near home I can have over a thousand books with me. There are around 140 on it now and it’s only using about 50 MB of the 1 GB worth of space. Now I’m scouring the net for anything free (for now) that I can add to it.
—
The only time power is used is when the screen refreshes. You can leave it on the same page for an hour and it doesn’t drain the battery. I’ve been reading every chance I get since Tuesday, I’ve already finished one book and I’m about a third of the way through another, and the battery bar hasn’t dropped at all.
—
There are places like this: manybooks.net and this: Project Gutenberg where you can download classics and creative commons licensed books for free. Just because a book is old, doesn’t mean it’s not worth reading.
—
And there’s this place: mobileread.com :where you can find out damned near anything about the Reader if you have the time to look.
—
There doesn’t seem to be enough of what I like compared to what I don’t like about the Reader. But really, I’m enjoying the heck out of being able to take a large library with me wherever I go. I hope there’s a price drop in the near future, and I hope that other companies invest in developing their own readers. I would like to see ebooks become more common. Perhaps some day we’ll have ebook files that expire after a month available for download from libraries around the world. You wouldn’t have to drive to get them and you wouldn’t have to return them. I know that the Reader won’t eliminate my desire or need for paper books. For one thing there are still many books that can’t be found in an electronic format and for another if my Reader breaks I’ve lost my library. So for me, paper books are here to stay. However that doesn’t mean I can’t supplement them with electronic versions when possible.
What do you guys think? Would you like to use a portable ebook reader, or are paper books good enough for you?
Category Adrift | Tags: | 3 Comments
April 2, 2007 by Collin
This post is rated ‘M’ for Mature. And ‘MSA’ for Mom Stay Away. It’s all kinds of rated.
Sorry to do this, but if I have to suffer, you have to suffer.
The first email I opened this morning was this:
Thanks for the early morning porn-mail you penis patch pushing anonymous fucknut. Still, I think I can use this…
Random thoughts to follow.
—
I think it’s meant to tell a story, almost like a comic strip.
Panel 1: “Gee honey, I would love to pull down your pants and blow you senseless, but really… what’s the point?”
Panel 2: All the information you need to know to fix the situation, with a special guest appearance by the head of H.R. Giger’s Alien because that’s how we roll.
Panel 3: (Later…) “Wow! Where have you been all my life, oh tool of Satan?!”
—
One thing I wonder about this – apart from why they would picture a skinned weenie guaranteed to make any guy back away with his hands over his crotch and tears in his eyes – is do they think by adding the “Rx” to their product’s name the potential customer might think it has some medicinal value and legitimacy? All I can say is adding Mc to nuggets doesn’t make me think they’re Scottish.
—
A patch. Why a patch? The only other chemical patch I can think of offhand is the smoking patch, and that’s used to give up smoking. Shouldn’t a penis patch make you give up penis? Just in case, whatever you do, don’t let your lady wear one. To be safe don’t even let her look at one.
—
“… will expand the erectile tissue longer and wider without any extra effort…” From flaccid, sure. A slight breeze can manage that. You don’t even have to TRY. Slapping something on your best friend Bobby is bound to generate some activity. The question that isn’t answered is, “Will this patch make Bobby grow bigger and wider than he’s ever been before?” Since these people are in the business of lying and taking advantage of the insecure, I feel confident the answer they would give is, “Yes. Oh yes. Big as your freakin’ arm. This check’s good, right?”
—
For the record I don’t name my ‘bits’, but Bobby seems like a good one. It conjures imagery that’s hard to forget. Bobby. Think about it. Then, once you get it, try NOT thinking about it.
—
It would be awesome if you had to lick it to stick it. “Honey! Could you help me with this? I need you to lick me here, here and here. And here. Here again. Now over here. Stop complaining! I’m doing this for you!” But it’s probably adhesive strips.
—
Picture this… taking it off after jogging.
—
How big is this patch? It can’t be too big, because remember who it’s for. Provided you have the real estate, can you apply more than one? What happens if you do? I can picture college kids sticking six of them on a friend who passed out drunk at the party. He wakes in the morning and his pants are shredded. He has to gather it up in his arms just to walk. “I can never play soccer again!”
—
That’s probably way more than enough of that.
Have a great week everyone.
Category Spam | Tags: | 1 Comment
April 2, 2007 by Collin
This post is rated ‘M’ for Mature. And ‘MSA’ for Mom Stay Away. It’s all kinds of rated.
Sorry to do this, but if I have to suffer, you have to suffer.
The first email I opened this morning was this:
Thanks for the early morning porn-mail you penis patch pushing anonymous fucknut. Still, I think I can use this…
Random thoughts to follow.
—
I think it’s meant to tell a story, almost like a comic strip.
Panel 1: “Gee honey, I would love to pull down your pants and blow you senseless, but really… what’s the point?”
Panel 2: All the information you need to know to fix the situation, with a special guest appearance by the head of H.R. Giger’s Alien because that’s how we roll.
Panel 3: (Later…) “Wow! Where have you been all my life, oh tool of Satan?!”
—
One thing I wonder about this – apart from why they would picture a skinned weenie guaranteed to make any guy back away with his hands over his crotch and tears in his eyes – is do they think by adding the “Rx” to their product’s name the potential customer might think it has some medicinal value and legitimacy? All I can say is adding Mc to nuggets doesn’t make me think they’re Scottish.
—
A patch. Why a patch? The only other chemical patch I can think of offhand is the smoking patch, and that’s used to give up smoking. Shouldn’t a penis patch make you give up penis? Just in case, whatever you do, don’t let your lady wear one. To be safe don’t even let her look at one.
—
“… will expand the erectile tissue longer and wider without any extra effort…” From flaccid, sure. A slight breeze can manage that. You don’t even have to TRY. Slapping something on your best friend Bobby is bound to generate some activity. The question that isn’t answered is, “Will this patch make Bobby grow bigger and wider than he’s ever been before?” Since these people are in the business of lying and taking advantage of the insecure, I feel confident the answer they would give is, “Yes. Oh yes. Big as your freakin’ arm. This check’s good, right?”
—
For the record I don’t name my ‘bits’, but Bobby seems like a good one. It conjures imagery that’s hard to forget. Bobby. Think about it. Then, once you get it, try NOT thinking about it.
—
It would be awesome if you had to lick it to stick it. “Honey! Could you help me with this? I need you to lick me here, here and here. And here. Here again. Now over here. Stop complaining! I’m doing this for you!” But it’s probably adhesive strips.
—
Picture this… taking it off after jogging.
—
How big is this patch? It can’t be too big, because remember who it’s for. Provided you have the real estate, can you apply more than one? What happens if you do? I can picture college kids sticking six of them on a friend who passed out drunk at the party. He wakes in the morning and his pants are shredded. He has to gather it up in his arms just to walk. “I can never play soccer again!”
—
That’s probably way more than enough of that.
Have a great week everyone.
EDIT: By the way, I didn’t mention this earlier but the black bar area that reads “Yoinks!” in the third panel… I added that. It was sent to me in all the naked ridged glory it could muster, which you can tell by her expression is quite a lot. I added the red “Why?” as well. So. Yeah.
Category Spam | Tags: | 6 Comments