I think I’ve just figured it out. Indeed I do. I’ve always known, really, but now I’ve been able to put it into words that I’m satisfied with.
After more than ten years of doing this job, I’ve decided that the driving philosophy behind this place is “We want the world in a fraction of the time it took God to deliver.” In some ways it’s always been like that, but lately it’s worse.
“We know you’ve accomplished five impossible tasks today, but we REALLY need this one done too. So. Do it.” The fucked part is so far I pretty much always manage to get it done. Which sets a precedent. So, essentially, it’s my own damned fault for trying so hard. If only I cared less.
I know if I manage to get everything done, then it wasn’t really impossible. But in the moment it’s very easy to feel that it is, and very hard to remember to take a breath and step back from the situation to regroup rather than lash out. I’m working at it. Still, running balls-to-the-wall every day of the work week gets old.
I have seen many freelancers crash and burn when they try to keep up with what’s expected of us here, so I know it’s not all in my head.
I believe a taoist representation of me is that I’m a rock and not the water. If I’m unable to move with the flow of the events around me on a daily basis, I’ll wear down.
Add to that the news I’ve received about my father, and I’m one drained and distracted art-monkey.