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  1. Today’s the day…

    March 26, 2007 by Collin

    The Freak Train day. The stand up comedy 5-minute act of doom and total embarrassment ending in ritual suicide under the hot, hot lights. Okay, I won’t kill myself. At least consciously. Who knows what my mind may do to me once I’m on the stage looking out at the audience shrouded in deep shadow.

    It may go pop. I’ll fall over and that will be that.

    I’m still see-sawing between going through with it and just going.

    I have something prepared. An old post from 2004 that I rewrote and rewrote again starting last night. So yeah, that’s another thing against me. Damned near no time spent practicing or even thinking about what I’ll be doing. I did record myself reading through the first rewrite a few times and it averaged out to about 2 minutes 30 seconds. I will do my best to not rush through it, but I tell you now if nobody’s laughing by the end of the first couple “jokes” I will transform into Speedy Mouth McMumbler. I’ll be their shortest act ever.

    That’s assuming I do it, and don’t wuss out. Smart money’s on wuss out. It looked a bit windy earlier.

    I’m pretty sure someone will be recording, so when the video’s up I’ll post a link. If there’s anything to post. See? See-sawing. One second I want to do it, the next I’m thinking its a bad, bad idea. “Licking a light socket” bad.

    I’ll also record an MP3 of the “act” tomorrow night and post it in the coming week. Whether I go on stage or not.

    Any bets?


  2. A bit’o Spam

    March 23, 2007 by Collin

    It’s been awhile since I’ve done anything with the spam that used to flood my inbox. As you can tell if you have stopped by lately. I say “used to flood my inbox” because our IT guys have managed to shut the flow down to a trickle. That’s great and all, but it makes material scarce. Luckily I’ve been holding on to quite a few for quite awhile, just waiting for the posting urge to strike. It has struck, in a tiny way. I will now give you a few morsels of spam. My comments, as usual, in red.

    From: Ketty Kloecker
    Subject: Don’t pass by for god sake. Render assistance, you heartless bastard!
    Date: March 21, 2007 6:14:53 PM MDT
    To: collin

    Hi
    Something attractive are occur with SCPT, did you saw I did saw! I did! It so attractive! Make me horny! So horny! .02 x.04 ? You betcha. .02 x.04 worth of horny!
    I think we need to buy it before it reach 0.06 mark. Do you? Are you sure? That’s .02 more horny if we wait! Let’s wait! Let the horny build and build!

    LOOK at statistic. Do I gotta? I’m busy letting the horny build! Sigh. Fine.

    Last Trade: 0.04
    Change: Up 0.02 (81.82%)
    Prev Close: 0.02
    Volume: 5,421,146 Now, I’m no money guru, but wouldn’t an increase from .02 to .04 equal a 100% increase? *Ahem* I mean ‘Statistic make me horny even more!’ So much volume! So attractive!

    But do not tell me later thet i wasn’t noticed you. I couldn’t if I wanted to.

    Truly Yours, Ketty If you are truly mine, can I sell you? I think that should be allowed. Apply you towards my student loans.

    Best spam title I’ve gotten lately: “Jennifer keeps the room warm.”

    Unfortunately, that’s the only good thing about that one. No explanation how she does it. Nothing further is said of Jennifer. Just more babble about stocks I don’t realize I want.

    From: nevil ambrosius (nanetecallie@qchiptechnologies.com)
    Subject: Sir, your product works like no other. It does indeed. So you’ll be buying a thirty then?
    Date: March 20, 2007 9:23:05 PM MDT
    To: antonina (collin@blahblahblah) WTF? Like I’m not going to know my own name? Who the hell is Antonina? Answer me Nevil Ambrosius, you prick!

    Did you know that a recent survey showed that 85% of women actually get aroused by a man who produces “above average” semen amounts? Who does these surveys? Do they just hang around WalMart with a clipboard and a lewd expression? “Excuse me miss, does THIS much semen make you horny?” Produces a pint bottle full of teeny wigglers from behind his back. Notes reaction. Moves on. With our pills, she’ll be speechless… They’re mostly alum. Damned handy if the lady of the bedroom is a bit too chatty. and defiantly coming back for more… Give me what I want or I’ll smack you into Tuesday!

    Other than a link and filler text, that was it. The entire sales pitch. I’m left unconvinced.

    Have a great weekend everyone!


  3. SpamSpamSpam

    March 23, 2007 by Collin

    It’s been awhile since I’ve done anything with the spam that used to flood my inbox. As you can tell if you have stopped by Spam-A-Palooza lately. I say “used to flood my inbox” because our IT guys have managed to shut the flow down to a trickle. That’s great and all, but it makes material scarce. Luckily I’ve been holding on to quite a few for quite awhile, just waiting for the posting urge to strike. It has struck, in a tiny way. I will now give you a few morsels of spam. My comments, as usual, in red.

    From: Ketty Kloecker
    Subject: Don’t pass by for god sake. Render assistance, you heartless bastard!
    Date: March 21, 2007 6:14:53 PM MDT
    To: collin

    Hi
    Something attractive are occur with SCPT, did you saw I did saw! I did! It so attractive! Make me horny! So horny! .02 x.04 ? You betcha. .02 x.04 worth of horny!
    I think we need to buy it before it reach 0.06 mark. Do you? Are you sure? That’s .02 more horny if we wait! Let’s wait! Let the horny build and build!

    LOOK at statistic. Do I gotta? I’m busy letting the horny build! Sigh. Fine.

    Last Trade: 0.04
    Change: Up 0.02 (81.82%)
    Prev Close: 0.02
    Volume: 5,421,146 Now, I’m no money guru, but wouldn’t an increase from .02 to .04 equal a 100% increase? *Ahem* I mean ‘Statistic make me horny even more!’ So much volume! So attractive!

    But do not tell me later thet i wasn’t noticed you. I couldn’t if I wanted to.

    Truly Yours, Ketty If you are truly mine, can I sell you? I think that should be allowed. Apply you towards my student loans.

    Best spam title I’ve gotten lately: “Jennifer keeps the room warm.”

    Unfortunately, that’s the only good thing about that one. No explanation how she does it. Nothing further is said of Jennifer. Just more babble about stocks I don’t realize I want.

    From: nevil ambrosius (nanetecallie@qchiptechnologies.com)
    Subject: Sir, your product works like no other. It does indeed. So you’ll be buying a thirty then?
    Date: March 20, 2007 9:23:05 PM MDT
    To: antonina (collin@blahblahblah) WTF? Like I’m not going to know my own name? Who the hell is Antonina? Answer me Nevil Ambrosius, you prick!

    Did you know that a recent survey showed that 85% of women actually get aroused by a man who produces “above average” semen amounts? Who does these surveys? Do they just hang around WalMart with a clipboard and a lewd expression? “Excuse me miss, does THIS much semen make you horny?” Produces a pint bottle full of teeny wigglers from behind his back. Notes reaction. Moves on. With our pills, she’ll be speechless… They’re mostly alum. Damned handy if the lady of the bedroom is a bit too chatty. and defiantly coming back for more… Give me what I want or I’ll smack you into Tuesday!

    Other than a link and filler text, that was it. The entire sales pitch. I’m left unconvinced.

    Have a great weekend everyone!


  4. Holy crap! I’ve been shot!

    March 22, 2007 by Collin

    Well. Okay. Not me exactly. Someone with my name was though. Shot and killed back in September of 1999.

    I decided to google my name after reading an article on Lifhacker about how to Have a say in what Google has to say about you. In addition to having the top spot linked to my post about Viacom ordering YouTube to take down my video, it turned up this:


    September Murder Remains Unsolved

    After-hours shooting in Central Square leaves a Boston man dead

    On Saturday, September 18, 1999, at 3:15 a.m., 30-year-old Collin Burton of Dorchester, with two friends, stopped at Hi-Fi Pizza in Central Square after a night at the Hong Kong and the House of Blues. A green Ford Explorer pulled up outside the Hi-Fi. Burton had a conversation with the occupants, then banged on the hood of the vehicle. The man in the passenger seat then fired through the open window, striking Burton once in the chest. Burton’s friends rushed him to Boston Medical Center, where Burton died the following Monday. Burton’s friends have cooperated with the investigation, but no arrests have been made and no warrants have been issued.

    This murder has elevated fears of violence in Central Square, which has long been Cambridge’s most prolific drug and robbery hot spot. Several drug related shootings in Area 4 were reported in the weeks preceding this murder.

    Freaky seeing your name associated with a death. Even more so when it’s murder.

    Also, don’t count on an Illustration Friday post from me this week. Still no ideas and even less time. Yes. That’s right. Less than no time.


  5. Look out the window, what do you see?

    March 21, 2007 by Collin

    It’s Wednesday just about damned near everywhere! That means:

    This week’s Illustration Friday word is “Total,” and I totally have nothing so far. Tomorrow is the deadline. Can I do it?! Tune in tomorrow to see. Probably the later the better.


  6. IF: “Superhero” steps 2 & 3…

    March 17, 2007 by Collin

    Are finally up at You Tube:

    Step 2

    Step 3

    As you’ll no doubt notice, the video quality is horrible. I know it’s possible to have a YouTube video that doesn’t look all fuzzed out and crappy, I just don’t know how to manage it myself.


  7. Not the post I was planning.

    March 16, 2007 by Collin

    I have too much of a headache right now to be creative.

    I will however take this post to say happy birthday to my son, Justin. He turned 14 today. He’s developing nicely into an insufferable teenager. Let the authority questioning commence!

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON!

    Here’s to four remaining years of free room and board! Not to mention unfair rules and being put upon! Wheee!

    Oh, and you might want to start saving money now for a car if you plan to be driving anywhere when you’re 16. Welcome to “growing up.”


  8. NOT… IF: Wired

    March 15, 2007 by Collin

    I tried. I tried three times. Nothing came together for “wired.” So I made this:

    So sleeeeepy. Must drive to get lunch. Glad I’ll be in a “safe” car. I have an idea for a post tomorrow, so be sure to stop by. If for nothing else than to see that I didn’t do it. Heh.


  9. A cry for help

    March 15, 2007 by Collin

    Hi peeps*.

    It’s 4:21 am. I’ve been up since 3-ish. Heather woke up early and discovered she’d been infested by the cleaning bug. Unfortunately, she had no idea that cleaning the wood slat blinds in the kitchen windows would sound to me in the bedroom like someone was eating the house. Then, after finding out what was going on, I was unable to get back to sleep because my mind was a-whirl with thoughts about Freak Train.

    Oh? Didn’t I mention? Derek, earlier in the week, said that Freak Train – open mic stand up comedy night in Denver at the Bug Theater – happens to fall during Spring Break and I’d once said that I would go if the kids were on vacation. I was thinking in the Summer. Apparently not as late as that.

    So I said if I could arrange it, I would go and watch. See what it’s like. Stuff.

    He said, “Oh no! If you go you HAVE to perform! You’re the funniest person I know. We’ll do something together. It won’t be as bad that way.”

    I immediately thought back to the time that Derek, Ray, Scott and I “performed” the song ‘Brick House’ at the company’s Christmas party ala Karaoke. Good times. I lie.

    He’s reworking one of the spoof commercials that I did with him a while back. Going to stretch it from 30 seconds to an eternity. Okay. Five minutes. It’ll just feel like an eternity.

    Anyhow, what was keeping me up was thoughts of my own thing that I could do, in addition to the skit with Derek. I figured I might center it around stage fright my attempts to get over it. A couple of things already came to mind as I tossed and turned in a doomed attempt to get back to sleep.

    I partly blame Bella Rosa for this thought being in my head at 3-ish. You see, she is going to take a shot at standup comedy in the windy city, but first she needs to rid herself of her stage fright. So she’s put it on eBay. Follow up posts here and here. Heck, check out her whole site.

    Now, obviously I can’t do the same thing. For one, I would end up flooding the market for stage fright. The last thing I need is for someone to win my stage fright for a dollar. Shipping alone would cost me at least $10 because it’s HUGE!

    So what I need from you people are some ideas on how to get over my stage fright. Keep in mind that the BIG NIGHT (hyperventilating here) is a week from next Monday. So whatever you suggest has to be doable on the quick and the cheap.

    And yeah. That’s it. Almost…

    * You remember a few posts back when I was talking about not having a stat tracker so I had no idea how many readers I have anymore? And how I found that one email in my junk folder from Site Meter indicating that I got, on average, one reader a day. Funny thing that. It seems that was for one of my other sites. Specifically “Visual Breakdown”. When I read “Visual Breakdown” on the email I thought it was… you know… a visual breakdown of the traffic to my site. So. Yeah. Oops. Look at me forgetting what blogs I run. I figured out how to reinstall Free Hit Counter a couple of days ago, and now that it’s had some time to count people I see that I’m getting more than one person a day. The numbers so far are 78 and 86. Now it’s possible that’s an inflated number since my posts for the last couple of days have included Viacom and YouTube and they are “news”. Still, it surprised the heck out of me. So even though there are more of you than I thought, and I’m a doofus, I appreciate you all for coming by.

    Okay. It’s 4:59 now. If I hurry I might be able to get an hour of sleep. I’m still not sure if I’ll have and Illustration Friday post later in the day. It depends on if I have time to draw at lunch. Yeah. My wakefulness is wearing off fast. I can’t think straight anymore. Specifically I can’t think of a way to stop writing. Argh. So… yeah. Please give me ideas on how to destroy my stage fright… and. Yeah.


  10. Oh yeah… the "Pod".

    March 14, 2007 by Collin

    I think I’ve mentioned on my site the podcast that Derek and I put together perhaps… three times? Maybe four?

    We’re up to episode 40 now and the new one just went “live”. You can get to most of them at this link.

    Alternatively you can listen to this weeks episode by clicking this nifty button that I stole from Derek’s site:

    The half hour this week is all about road rage and such, I gather. To be totally honest, I almost never listen to them after recording them, so most of the time I’ve forgotten what I’ve said. Part of it is probably due to my lifelong dislike for the sound of my own voice.

    You know, if Derek would really like me to remember to mention the show every week, he should probably email me the link info every Wednesday rather than making me loot it from his domain. Don’t you think?

    Still, there you go.