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  1. Must…. not… laugh…

    December 8, 2006 by Collin

    I wasn’t going to write about this originally, because it’s about my son and he’s in those awkward teen years. The last thing he needs is his dad making fun of him. That and being sent to school in a unicorn patterned tutu.

    So I’ve decided I’ll compromise and leave out the tutu and just tell the story.

    Now, I will say, this wasn’t his fault at all. He was just trying to help and a teen who desires to be helpful is a wonderful and rare thing. If anyone can be blamed it would be his sister.

    It happened this morning as we were getting ready to leave for school and work.

    Heather and my daughter, Jordyn, had just gone out the back door and had passed the gate when I saw Jordyn’s backpack on the kitchen table. Justin was between me and the door so I told him, “Quick! Stop them before they go!”

    He panicked for a second, pivoted and ran two steps – waBAM! – right into the sliding glass door. He was wobbling a bit and I asked if he was okay. He said, “Yeah…” so I ran out to catch Heather and Jordyn and I heard Heather ask as I opened the gate, “What was that?”

    As soon as I said, “Justin ran into the door,” while holding up the backpack I just started laughing.

    I couldn’t help it.

    Then Heather and Jordyn were laughing.

    Everyone was laughing except for Justin, for some reason.

    I gave them the backpack, ran back inside – making sure I opened the door first – and found Justin sitting at the table with his head in his hands. I should probably point out that at 13 he’s at least three inches taller than I am and a little heavy for his height so it’s a miracle that he didn’t go through the glass. That’s what I was thinking when I asked again if he was okay. But it took me a few tries before I could ask without laughing. I think the laughter was caused by both relief that he wasn’t broken and the image of him pancaking against the glass.

    I felt horrible for laughing, but I couldn’t help it.

    I almost told him, “They say that comedy is tragedy that happens to someone else,” but that wouldn’t have helped much since he was the “someone else” at the time.

    As it was I checked his pupils and felt the growing lump on his head, and reminded him that he wasn’t the only person to walk into a sliding glass door. Heather and Derek’s mom did it. I’m pretty sure I did too when I was a kid. It happens.

    Have a great, accident free weekend everyone. And I WILL be illustrating “Mask” for Illustration Friday at some point. I can’t let that one go by.


  2. Sweet Jebus, he’s talking about his lunch again.

    December 1, 2006 by Collin

    Heather came by my work today for lunch. We decided on Schlotzsky’s.

    Neither of us ever eat the pickle spears that come with the meals, and this time Heather tossed hers onto my plate before I could form an adequate defense. That’s okay though, because I love her and it’s not like I had to eat it or anything.

    Across from our table, sitting by himself, was a guy that looked like a biker. His large arms were plastered in tattoos, he had a grizzled face and was dressed in a biker fashion with his jean jacket over the back of his chair. I noticed that he didn’t eat his pickle either as he got up to toss his wrappers in the garbage. Then he walked off into the bathroom, leaving his jacket over his chair. All alone.

    I looked at it, and started smiling. Heather said, “What?”

    “I was just thinking about putting a pickle in his pocket,” I said and she just laughed and laughed.

    I didn’t of course. For one thing, I had no idea how fast he could eliminate his wastes. Some people are pretty speedy and we were only a few tables from the bathroom. I also realized that someone would likely see me do it and spill the beans, and then I would have to deal with a biker annoyed about his pickled pocket. Or, assuming nothing else went wrong, it would be my luck that his keys would be in that pocket or something.

    We were still talking about it as he came back from the bathroom and I watched him as he put his jacket on. I guess it was a bit of a struggle to squeeze his large arms into the sleeves and I’m sure he would have found it at some point. And there we would have been, right next to him. I could just see me telling him, “Some guy walked over and dropped a pickle in your pocket and then ran off. I was going to tell you, but I was worried you wouldn’t believe me. It wasn’t me. See? I still have my pickle!” and then I would show him the remaining pickle on my plate. “She ate hers,” I would say when he looked at Heather’s plate. This would no doubt have been followed with, “Not the face! Not the face!” and cops and stuff.

    No. That wouldn’t have ended well.

    Later, as we were driving back to work, Heather asked me what made me even think of putting a pickle in his pocket. I told her that when I saw him get up and leave his jacket like that, it made me think about how I could never do that. I would be too worried that someone would take it or mess with it. And then I saw the pickles on my plate and the whole plan came together. In my mind I saw him finding the pickle much later and thinking, “What the…?! I thought I threw this away!” and that just made me smile.

    Have a great, pickle free weekend everyone!


  3. Whatcha been up to, you non posting fool?

    November 30, 2006 by Collin

    Working, sleeping and occasionally watching movies for the most part. And a bit of game playing here and there. And trying to come up with something for everyone on my Christmas list. Tis the season to be poorer.

    I did do one artistic thing in the past few weeks, and that was create a background for Heather’s new MySpace account. You can see it here.

    Their ads sure are annoying. Can’t be something unblinking or out of the way. Of course not. If they did that the ads wouldn’t work. As it is now I can’t stop myself from clicking on them. clickity-click. Genius.

    Heather wants me to start up a MySpace account as well. I’m of the opinion that it’s the Debbil’s work and I’m having none of it. Not to mention that I already have –what? – five blogs that I don’t update worth a poop as it is. Still, I’ll bet that I cave at some point. Nearly everyone has one. Even dead people. So yeah, expect to see me there sometime in the future. The shiny, shiny future.

    To be honest I’m only posting today in order to push down that Dora “toy” because I’m sick of looking at it. I had hoped I would have an IF post to really eat up the space, but no such luck. Maybe next week.

    So, is that toy off my screen yet? Not quite.

    This ought to take up some room. An old “Half-Assed Comic” from days of yore. Click it to make it readable:

    annnnnd one of my favorite PoE comics (also clickable):

    And that should do it. Have great weekend everyone.


  4. Isn’t that interesting.

    November 20, 2006 by Collin

    I wrote a post back in June about how a certain “Dora” toy looked kind of phallic. [Read it here]

    That post upset one of my readers, who chewed me out for twisting innocent things. That led to a lengthy follow up post. [Here]

    Now I’m sure that I’ve lost Don as a reader of my site forever. So it goes. However, I just saw this today over at BoingBoing: Phallic toy alert: Dora Aquapet.

    For those of you not inclined to follow links, here’s what it looks like:

    So my question is, what is up with the Dora toy designers? Sure, sure, I bet they did not mean to make that toy look like a cock any more than they did the other toy. But come on! Get someone on staff in either QA or RND with a dirty mind and a willingness to point out the absurd, would you?


  5. A Suspense Account! Spam from Africa…

    November 15, 2006 by Derek Knight

    From :Miss Rose wanta
    Add:43 rue de angree djibi
    ABIDJAN COTE D’IVOIRE WEST AFRICA

    Dear Respectful One and a fine day to you, bitch!

    Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I got your contact from the International web site directory you mean the internets? ‘De world wide web? THE WORLD HIVE BRAIN!? Sure, go on….

    I prayed over it over what? and selected your name lucky me! among other names ooh, unlucky thems! due to it’s esteeming nature you’re Goddamned RIGHT, I’m esteemed! and the recommendations given to me as a reputable and trust worthy person I can do business with from whom? EVERYTHING THEY SAY IS THE LIES! LIES! and by their recommenddations whomever “they” may be I must not hesitate SO QUIT WASTING TIME, CORKY! to confide in you for this simple and sincere business.

    I am Rose wanta Fanta, the only Daughter of late Mr and Mrs George dont’cha Wanta Fanta My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan, geography lesson alert: the economic capital of Ivory Coast, before he was poisoned to death which sucks only a bit more than being “poisoned into incapacitation” but is perhaps WAY worse than being “poisoned to slight irritation” by his business associates et tu, Bruté? on one of their outing to discus on a business deal and also the poisoning. Mr Wanta never DID read memorandums carefully.

    When my mother died on the 21st October 1996 …it was the 3rd of September…, my father took me special That day I’ll always remember…Yes I will… because i am motherless look, kids! A bastard child!. Before the death of my father on 30th June 2003 in a private hospital here in Abidjan ’cause of the poison…And stuff..

    He secretly called me on his bedside he was way into this ninja shit and told me that he has a sum of $7.500.000 (Seven Million, five hundred thousand dollars) left in a suspense dun dun DUNNNNN! account in a local Bank ooh, they have more than one! here in Abidjan, that he used my name as his only Daughter ’cause he felt bad just making up names for the next of kin in deposit of the fund.And i have my small brother he’s a little person. My little brother in BOTH senses, it’s really beautiful call mark Wanta Fanta
    He also explained to me verrrrrry slowwwwwly that it was because of this wealth and some huge amount of money what, some random fucking amount of money? his business associates supposed to balance him what? from the deal they had, that he was poisoned by his business associates ’cause FUCK HIM, if he won’t balance, let’s kill him! No thought of where the monies may be, just kill him. kill him dead. with Drain-O., that I should seek for a God fearing God TERRIFIES me. He often takes my lunch monies. foreign partner in a country of my choice how nice! where I will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose, (such as real estate management) oh, suddenly you have a moment of clarity. Real estate management isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, missy…May I recommend “hookers and beer?”.

    Sir, we are honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways.

    1) To provide a Bank account where this money would be transferred to done..

    2) To serve as the guardian of this since I am a gilr a what? A gilr monster? of 19 (tender) years.
    Moreover Sir, i am willing to offer you 20% of the sum as compensation for effort input after the successful transfer of this fund to your designate account overseas. So let me get this straight…I open an account, I serve as your guardian and I receive big US monies. Hmmm…No getting killed with the blunt objects? No untimely doom? No scamming me out of MY monies? SIGN ME UP, SODA GIRL!

    Thanks and God Bless. Ooh, you’re welcome!

    Best regards.

    Miss Rose wanta Fanta!


  6. What a couple of weeks.

    November 9, 2006 by Collin


    anatomypage.jpg

    It doesn’t feel like it’s been that long, but I guess it has. Being both sick and busy can certainly mess with your sense of time. A major holiday even passed, I’ve been told. The above illustration was taken from a rather cool site called “Historical Anatomies on the Web“. A place with images both cool and gruesome, especially if you realize that much of it was drawn while looking at actual cadavers in stuffy rooms and possibly against the law of the time.

    Speaking of cadavers, I just tossed out the kids’ pumpkins this morning. They weren’t quite rotten, but they were well on their way. Here are a couple of photos of them “in their prime” (all photos are clickable):

    pumpkins.jpg

    We had a lot of fun carving them, although we had to rush a bit at the end.

    And here they are lit:

    pumpkins-lit.jpg

    AND, I may as well turn this into a photo-post since I also finally have the pictures of my knees that Heather took after I messed them up by falling off the ramp of my U-Haul back when we were moving:

    knee2.jpg

    knee1.jpg

    They looked a LOT worse in person. I’m actually disappointed at how the first one came out. It just looks like a wee boo-boo – although it also wasn’t the knee that took the most weight on impact.

    And finally I share with you my daughter; rock icon:

    TheWall2.jpg jordyn-wall.jpg TheWall1.jpeg

    Believe it or not, she wasn’t imitating cover art on purpose. She was just being her normal, goofy self when Heather snapped the photo. When I saw it, the Wall was the first thing to spring to mind.

    As of now there isn’t a ghost #5. I will make one and post it when I can, as well as resume playing along with Illustration Friday. Hopefully by next week.

    Have a great weekend everyone!


  7. Spam With No Shame – Taking The Lord’s Name in Vain…

    November 6, 2006 by Derek Knight

    DONATION FOR THE LORD
    From: Mrs. Monica Tema

    PLEASE ENDEAVOUR TO USE IT FOR THE CHILDREN OF (a lesser) GOD ’cause you know they don’t hear to well n’ stuff. I am the above name person Wow, forgot your scam-name already? You needs to PRACTICE from Sierra-Leone. I am married note: present tense to Dr Ebenezer Tema who worked with Sierra Leonian Embassy in South Africa for nine years before he died married to a dead man. Currently. That must suck, mostly in the year 2001. We were married for eleven years without a child ’cause my insides was a rocky place where his seed could find no purchase. Before my husband’s death, we were both born again christians kinda like that band Stryper, but without all the hair. we liked to wear tight yellow outfits, though…Anyhow, where were we? and we lived happilly ever mother-fucking after. Since his death, I decided not to re-marry or get a child you know, like by stealing one outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is really against Wait, the bible don’t want you to remarry or the bible is against NOT remarrying? MAKE MORE SENSE, SCAMMER.

    When my late husband was alive you know, back before he was “dead” he secured (stoled) $15Million (Fifteen Million U.S. Dollars I love me some U.S. Dollars) with financial institution we only have one and, yes, It’s called “Financial Institution.” We thought it was a bit classier than “Bank,” don’t you agree? here in Cote D’Ivoire which is in a foreign language and DON’T TRY TO TRANSLATE IT ’cause you’re not all foreign. And stuff. Anyway. Presently, this money is still with (our only) financial institution. Recently, my Doctor the only one in foreign-town told me that from all the test conducted on my health, I am not going to last long Well shit, maybe next time: not so many tests on your health. You might last longer, expecially heh, due to my cancer and stroke Ohhhh. Well shit…Yeah, that’ll fuck you up. But what disturbs me most now is stroke ’cause cancer, let’s face it, it ain’t so bad for me. Hell, it has a pleasant flowery aroma and people give me sympathy. Stroke, on the other hand, well all it does is shoot my motor skills all to hell and make me drool. And talk funny. And look at the rest of this email, I CAN’T EVEN TYPE REAL GOOD! Screw you, Stroke! Screw you to Hell!.

    Having known my condition biblically, I decided to donate this fund you know, the U.S. Dollars I revealed earlier to churches or Christian individual the only one in town! that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct YOU! Do as I say! First, you shall build a monument to me and don’t make it all drooly, or effed up from stroke, alright? good, second…. I want a church or individual that will use this money to fund churches then give it to a church, Orphanages or an orphan and Widows or…Hey, YOU’RE a widow!. Also, the propagation what? of the work of God, building and maintaining the house of God It has a 4-car garage through this money, is very important.

    The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth right before the Lord taketh away. I took this decision because I don’t have any child Insides, rocky place, blah blah blah that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians those heathen BASTARDS! What are they, Catholic?. I don’t want my husband’s hard earned (read: stoled) money to be misused by unbelievers or Catholics for that matter, for their own selfish interest like funding exorcisms and stuff and in an ungodly manner like, I dunno, receiving massages and meth from gay hookers. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bossom where exactly IS the Lord’s “bossom?” of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my case now THERE’S a lawyer you don’t want to face in court and I shall hold my peace.

    I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health remember: I don’t talk so good and I’m tired of repeating myself, and because of the presence of my husband’s relatives I think one’s even a preist around me sometimes. I don’t want them to know about this development, but I know that With God all things are possible so he’ll probably tell them. Man, I hope he doesn’t tell them, they’re creepy.

    As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of Financial institution yes, the only one in Ivory coast. I will also give you all information regarding the deposit of this money. I will also look, gimpy, USE COMMAS! issue you a letter of authority that will empower you as the original- beneficiary the O.B. for street cred purposes of this fund. I want you and your church Foreign church of foreigners n’ stuff to always pray for me because God work in misterious warm mist or cool mist? ways. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian you said you were born again…So…What’d you do BEFORE then? Live a life indeed. Who ever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life. I…uh…Just gimme the monies.

    Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a church or christian individual for this same purpose in English: speed it up there, Junior! You could lose the big score to some other sucker!. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein praying for hookers and beer, building a house…I got it, strokey, now where’s the cash?. Hoping to hear from you soon (just not on the telephone).

    Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.

    Yours in Christ,
    Mrs Monica Tema that above named person from…above


  8. IF: "Ghost" Series #4

    October 25, 2006 by Collin

    Illustration Friday:

    Yeah, it’s an old one, but I still like it. I really didn’t want to post any of my older artwork for this series, however I’m just too busy today to come up with anything new. Plus, it might be new for some people.

    I originally did this illustration for a German based video game company called ‘Mac-Yun-Soft’ (at that time – they are now ‘Zhang Games’) for a sequel to one of their games, ‘The Big Quest’. This was going to be one of three bosses that you would face at some point.

    I illustrated all three bosses, plus their room backgrounds and various texture sets. Then I fell out of contact with the developer, partly because they kept wanting more and more without offering me anything tangible for my work, and partly because I was far too busy to continue with it.

    The last time I emailed them, a few months ago, I was told that the game’s still “in production”.

    They are currently using one of the backgrounds that I did on the page for the original game. You can see it here. My illustration is the one at the bottom of that page, but it’s also being used as the game image on the main page. I was assured that, in spite of this, the game being sold is a slightly modified version of the original and not the game I’d been working on.

    So, as much as I would love to break into the gaming industry, either video or traditional, I’ve certainly learned my lesson on offering up my art for nothing more than “future shared royalties” and without a contract of some sort. I don’t mind doing work for free as long as we all know going in that’s what it’s going to be. For example the cherry pie illustration I did for Looney Lab’s upcoming game.

    As for Ghost #5, we are supposed to be hit by a blizzard tonight so there’s no telling if it’ll be done before Friday or not. We’ll see.

    Click the pictures below to see the earlier ghost posts:

    1: … 2: … 3:


  9. IF: "Ghost" Series #3

    October 24, 2006 by Collin

    Illustration Friday:

    This is a ghost that almost didn’t happen. I’m feeling a bit under the weather today and I had no idea what I wanted to do for the third ghost – which isn’t a good sign as I still have two more to do – so I started doodling. Then, when I had something I kind of liked I refined it a bit. I’m still, once again, not entirely happy with it. But really; when am I?

    Have a great day all.

    Click the pictures below to see the earlier ghost posts:

    1 of 5: … 2 of 5:


  10. IF: "Ghost" Series #2

    October 23, 2006 by Collin

    Illustration Friday:

    Here’s the ghost of the day. I’m still not completely satisfied with it, however if I’m going to stick with the idea of getting a new ghost up each day until Friday, I just can’t keep dinking around with them.

    Now, although this might look like a few of the characters from a hugely popular Namco video game by the name of Pac-something-or-other, for all intents and lawsuit purposes it isn’t. See, in “reality” these two ghosts went to a party and the one on the right ate damn near all of the cheesecake and marshmallows, and now he’s pink with embarrassment. Ignore the ‘x’s on the cheesecake. My stylus slipped.

    See you tomorrow.

    UPDATE: Too much looking has lead to a slight modification (still not sure I like it), and a new version of Ghost #2.

    Illustration Friday:

    I figure it’s only natural to want some relief after so much cheesecake.

    Click the pictures below to see the earlier ghost posts:

    1 of 5: