I feel like I’m tightly wrapped in a blanket of unfunny. It’s a big, smothering blanket. And a bit itchy, like its previous occupant was a bum or something. Or Chevy Chase perhaps. This feeling has been with me since the middle of last week. I have no idea why really. I never know why. Anyone who’s been reading here for awhile knows this isn’t the first time I’ve been in a slump in my 1+ year of writing. I made it through the other ones, I should make it through this as well. Lately it seems when I have an idea for a post I forget it before I’m back at my computer. I do have a post in the works reviewing “Land of the Dead” at some point later this week. But that’s not now. No, now you get me complaining about the current state of my noggin. Aren’t you lucky? Yes. You are.
Okay, fine, to make it more worth your visit here’s something that happened last week. I think it was on Tuesday or Wednesday. We had a mobile camera crew enter the art department. They were trying to get some testimonials for a new product that was going to be hitting the market called “Taste Less™” It’s a “dietary supplement.” A “naturally-sourced flavor reducer” if you will (I’m reading from the sample package). It’s supposed to “block the taste of sugar and artificial sweeteners for an average of 2-4 hours.” The crew gave out samples and requested to film reactions and opinions to possibly be used in a nationwide commercial.
The artist who sits next to me agreed to play the guinea pig and went through the whole “before and after” deal. Apparently it does indeed work to block the flavor of sweets. I personally haven’t tried my sample for fear of it never wearing off. I’m strange like that. I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t taste sweet things. Now if they make something that blocks the smell of poop or vomit I’ll try it.
After they had finished with my coworker the woman running the interviews then asked if anyone else would be interested in participating. She came over to my desk and said something like “How about you? You would look good on camera.”
Suddenly I felt a bit like Michael Jackson must feel. No, I didn’t suddenly want to start singing about beating it. My hair didn’t catch fire. I didn’t want to become good buds with the neighborhood boys or catch a monkey and name him “Bubbles Two.” None of that.
The one thing that I, right then and there, shared with the “God of Pop” was the absolute certainty that my nose looked positively hideous and there was no way in Hell that I was going to allow anyone to film it.
You may be thinking, “Your nose isn’t that bad.” Oh. But it was. It wasn’t my normal, every day nose that I really don’t like that much anyhow. It was a nose with an addition. I’ve been fighting a cold for… three? Four weeks now? Anyhow, too damned long. Occasionally when I’ve had a long cold, due to continuous wiping with tissues I will rub my nose raw and it then scabs over. This had happened on my left nostril. My nose had a second, ugly nose of its own. It was horrible to look at, and when people are talking to me they will unconsciously rub at their own nose which just makes me that much more uncomfortable.
So I told her something super smart like, “Noooo. I’ve got this huge scab on my nose. See?” and then pointed to it, just in case she was blind or something. To her credit she was a professional. She didn’t recoil gagging and scratching at her own nose while screaming, “GET THEE BEHIND ME, NOSE OF SATAN!” Instead she said, “That’s okay. We’ll just film you from the other side.”
I passed. I wasn’t going to take a chance on winding up on some blooper reel as the “hideous nose freak with no real opinion to offer.” So you won’t be seeing me in a commercial near you any time soon.
The Mother Scab finally fell off on Thursday. Actually it was a bit of a mixed blessing. If it had held out one more day I could have gone to the movie in costume, of sorts. Not too many people are aware that one of the earliest stages of zombieism is nose crust, but SOMEONE would have noticed it and thought, “Hey! Why didn’t I think of that?! It’s so understated and awesome!” But no. Now there’s a much smaller, sportier scab that just looks like I’ve got an errant booger rather than I’ve just snorted up a midget. Believe me, I do see that as an improvement.
Oh yeah, while the crew was leaving the guy who was holding the lights turned to me and whispered, “Invader Zim ROCKS!” which I totally have to agree with.
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For the curious I’m including the Supplement Facts and other ingredients here:
Chromium (as Chromium Arginate*) ….. 40 mcg ….. 33% Daily Value
Proprietary Blend ….. 132 mg ….. Daily Value Not Established
Gymnema Extract (leaf), Hoodia Gordonii Extract (Cactus stem), Spearmint (leaf), Jujube Extract (seed), Stevia Extract (leaf)**
Other Ingredients: Magnesium Stearate, Microcrystalline Cellulose, Modified Cellulose, Silica***, Sorbitol, Stearic Acid.
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* I thought “Chromium Arginate” was one of the characters in Lord of the Rings.
** I wonder what would happen if you smoked this blend?
*** Okay, most of this is Greek to me, but isn’t silica sand? Why that almost makes me want to gobble it right up!
