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  1. And a little quickie note:

    October 26, 2004 by Collin

    Boing Boing: BoingBoing endorses John Kerry for President

    An excerpt in case you are disinclined to follow the link:

    —

    “In recent days, a growing number of news organizations have posted eloquent endorsements for Kerry. Some of them are particularly suprising, because they come from such unlikely sources. We encourage you to read them, and consider their content.

    “For us, the choice for Kerry involves simple things. Justice, liberty, privacy, transparency. Freedom of speech, thought, and technological expression. A woman’s right to choose. Equal access to health care, education, and economic opportunity for all. The rule of law, at home and abroad. Peace. The enduring value of the American Constitution.

    “These are wonderful things. The Bush administration has proven both inability and unwillingness to protect them. In 2004, Kerry is the one.

    “We urge all eligible BoingBoing readers to exercise their right to vote in this election. Democracy is a wonderful thing. It won’t survive without your participation.”

    —

    And that’s my political post (link, really) for the day. I’m not expecting to change anyone’s mind. I’m just helping to pass along the information.

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  2. Teenaged beer abuse

    October 26, 2004 by Collin

    I left a comment at Monkey’s blog about finding a beer bottle full of urine while working as an usher (although we were called “door”, “staff” or “flunkies in a goof suit”…or “whizz gatherers” after that) after a Midnight movie and it reminded me of another find involving beer.

    This time there were no stranger’s bodily fluids involved. As far as I know.

    Sean and I were on door that night and we were cleaning up the last theater to let out when we found four cans of unopened, cheap beer. I don’t recall the brand, but it was something like Rainier Beer. And they were warm. And yeah, Sean is the projectionist that was with me during Pat’s weapon demonstration. If you were at the theater long enough you wore many hats. Some even had bells on.

    I’m not a big fan of beer and Sean didn’t care for that brand. Also my bizarre imagination had no trouble picturing the beer’s previous owner slobbering all over the can before leaving it behind. I’m odd like that. If I accidently drink from a strangers glass at a party it makes me feel like heaving until I spit out my toes. You know. When I get invited to parties. So it doesn’t happen often. Although that reminds me of another story that I will relate tomorrow. Look at me and my stories!

    So, I was going to toss them out when Sean said, “Wait! I have a better idea! When I take out the garbage I’ll stash them by the dumpster and then later we can go sell them to some kids at the park!”

    I’m joking.

    Instead the plan was to stash them (we had to stash them because the manager working that night was a dick and opposed all forms of fun), then after the manager took off we were going to see if we could blow them up in the parking lot. Isn’t that better?

    So we finished up, the manager left and we considered just what to do with the beer that would make it go boom without involving Pat and his pistol. We finally decided to shake them up as much as possible and toss them as high as we could straight up into the air. Then run, of course.

    We took turns shaking the first can up for about five minutes or so. It was very well shook. Then Sean tossed up the first one since it was his idea.

    It was beautiful.

    The can hit the ground and then shot straight back into the air, spinning like a top and spraying beer in a fine mist everywhere. We were laughing like loons. It didn’t take long to finish off all four. Although the third one took an odd hop and hit somebody’s car. The way I see it, it was their fault for leaving it near crazy people.

    When the fun was done we tossed the empty cans in the dumpster and went our separate ways.

    To this day, that was the most fun I’ve had destroying a carbonated beverage. I highly recommend it, but do be careful of the odd hops. And if you get hurt doing it, it’s your own damned fault. You should have been more careful. Or should have known better. Or something that totally absolves me from blame.

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  3. That was… odd.

    October 25, 2004 by Collin

    My 4-year old just called me. At work. The receptionist said, “There’s a little girl on the phone and she’s asking for Collin Burton.”

    Me: What?

    R: There’s a little girl on the phone and she’s asking for Collin Burton.

    Me: Um. Okay?

    (clicking noise)

    Me: Hello?

    Jordyn: Hi!

    Me: Hi. How did you call me?

    J: I figured out how to push the numbers!

    Me: That’s great sweetie! Is mommy there (thinking she helped her with the phone)?

    J: She’s in the bathroom.

    Me: …

    J: Just a second. (phone is put down)

    (picks up after a minute)

    J: I have to go.

    Me: Wait…

    J: *click*

    I tried to call back but nobody answered. Then while writing this my ex called and asked, “Did Jordyn call you?” It turns out that my ex was washing her hair when Jordyn went into the bathroom and asked, “Can I talk to daddy?” Ex said no and Jordyn said, “Okay.” then ran off. That’s when she told me she had to go. When her mom confronted her about it she was informed, “If you push ‘A’ on the phone the lady will let you talk to dad!” I suppose I should just break down and buy her a cell phone.

    And that was my afternoon adventure. I hope you enjoyed it.

    —

    I just got a call from the receptionist curious about who that was on the phone. It turns out Jordyn called twice, but hung up the first time. The next time she called back she said “Sorry!” and the receptionist asked if she was trying to call her mommy or daddy. That’s when Jordyn asked for me.

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  4. It’s Monday!

    October 25, 2004 by Collin

    Yaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyynotreally. I don’t know about all of you, but I had a fun filled weekend that went by far too fast.

    —

    For starters my Heather, my son and I saw ‘The Grudge’ on Friday night. I avoided reading any reviews beforehand and hoped for the best. It paid off! We thoroughly enjoyed the movie and Heather has more details about it on her blog.

    After the movie she checkedRotten Tomatoes and it was ranked at a 46% (now it’s gone up to 56%). I couldn’t believe it! I need to see it again and see how it holds up, but I felt that it was the creepiest movie I’ve watched in some time.

    Horror movies are very subjective, I know. What one person finds scary, another won’t. I liked it a lot.

    —

    Then on Saturday we added my daughter to the group and we all went up to the Denver Museum of Nature & Science to check out “The Quest for Immortality Treasures of Ancient Egypt” exhibit.

    Heather and I really enjoyed it for slightly different reasons (she loves the history aspect of everything and I love the artistic aspect) but the chilluns got a wee bit bored.

    One guard who looked like the only thing keeping him alive was the fear of passing away in a museum kept an anxious eye on us when we were passing though his “turf”. The one time my son leaned slightly on a display stand the mummy with a gun was on us saying “Don’t touch!”

    It was a good thing he didn’t see my daughter climb one in the previous section. I got her down real fast without prompting but he would have popped a blood vessel.

    And to be fair, all of the stenciled signs say “PLEASE don’t touch”. That makes it a request in my book.

    So I licked Osiris.

    We followed up with dinner and games at Dave & Buster’s. Looking at their website you might be thinking, “Wow! That looks…lame!” but it wasn’t. It’s far better than it’s website makes it look. The service was very good, the food was delicious (put a tinch pricey) and the arcade was massive.

    All around a great, pricey fun day.

    —

    We spent the first half of Sunday just relaxing until Heather had to go to work. Then I went home and set about sorting through the huge amount of crap that I’ve been holding onto for too long. I managed to toss a bag and a half of garbage and about 30 magazines. And I still have more to sort through.

    I found some older drawings that I will use to “do a Derek” over the next few weeks when I’m short of actual post material. I was going to lead off with the Goons, but decided to work on that a bit more over the next week. Instead, here’s one of my earlier attempts at cartooning.

    Do you think it would have been funnier (assuming you think it’s funny in the first place) if I had made it “Thanks for praying!”?

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  5. Patrick’s got a gun…

    October 21, 2004 by Collin

    Back before I joined the Air Force I used to work at a local cinema. The Citadel Terrace 6. It had it’s perks and drawbacks like most jobs. I’ll write more about those in a later post. For now I want to focus on my coworker Pat.

    I started working on door (ticket taker, bathroom cleaner, grunt) but hoped to one day make it to projectionist mainly because they didn’t have to wear the stupid monkey suit the rest of us did.*

    There were three main projectionists: Derrik (who I had known since 10th grade and helped me get the job. And no, it’s not any of the Dereks that comment here), Sean (who would splice single frames of porn films into various movies for fun) and Pat (the subject of this post, mmmmmmmyep).

    Pat was a very cool guy. He was at least ten years older than me (which would have made him 27ish. About ten years younger than I am now. Fuck, that’s depressing. 20 years. Ugh.) and had been in the special forces in the Army. He really missed the Army.** He was about 5’7″ tall, average weight for his height and psycho.

    Not “mumble-to-himself-and-twitch” psycho. More like “looking-for-fights-and-always-ready-to-dive-in-and-mess-up-someone-for-life-if-he-can” psycho. He wouldn’t back down from anything. I seriously respected that.

    This was an advantage on the job as well. The management would schedule him for the Midnight Movies every weekend and have him work as projectionist, door and security. A lot of people come there drunk and on several occasions I had the pleasure of watching him show a rowdy drunk out to the pavement. And they would bounce. On one occasion he came back in bleeding and didn’t even notice the blood. The other guy was in worse shape and the cops had to be called. And an ambulance.

    Now that you’ve met the main players in this post, on to the meat.

    Pat was SERIOUSLY looking forward to “Platoon” being released and arranged to be the projectionist the Thursday night before it was set to open. He had keys to the theater. He told me, Sean and Derrik that he was planning an exclusive showing of the movie that night and we were invited. Management knew nothing about it. If they had I don’t think they would have tried to stop him.

    Derrik declined because he didn’t want to get in trouble. Sean and I said we were up for it.

    So at midnight we met up at the theater and Pat let us in. He unlocked a candy counter, turned on one of the soda fountains and we helped ourselves to snacks, drinks and a trash bag full of popcorn (all clean. At the end of the shift the left over popcorn was stored in unused trash bags until the next morning when it was used to refill the popcorn machines for the first movie). Then we went into theater 1 while Pat ran up to the booth, started the movie then joined us.

    It was a good movie but I could tell at the end that it had kicked Pat’s adrenaline into overdrive. He told Sean and me that we should go up into the booth because he had something to show us. He had a… look in his eyes.

    When we were up there, standing near theater 1′s projector, he pulled out a 357 Magnum and showed it to us. I was very cautious about guns but Sean was all over it, “Cool! Is it loaded?”

    Pat said, “Yep” and handed it over to him. Sean looked the gun over and I was thinking, “This is how people wind up dead.”

    Then Pat took it back and said, “Watch this…” He then aimed the gun out the projectionists window down into the seats below and fired it.

    *BALLAAAAAAAMMMMmmmmm…* FUCK! It was LOUD! Especially in the booth! I was just hoping that Pat wasn’t about to totally flip out and kill us both. To be safe I edged a bit until I was closer to the stairs and Sean was a bit between us. I consider Pat one of the better friends I’ve had in my life (hard to believe but true.) but I had never seen him that ramped up before. Then he started laughing. After a half second we joined in.

    Then he seemed to regain his senses, chuckled, and said, “Let’s go see where the bullet hit!”

    After about five minutes of looking we saw that it had clipped the top of a seat in the fourth row and embedded itself in the back of a third row seat. Pat was surprised that it hadn’t punched through the seat, but there you go. Then we cleaned up everything and made it look like nobody had been there and left for the night.

    We never heard from anyone about what we did.

    Years later when I would go to see a movie there, if it was being shown in theater one, I would look for the bullet hole and when I found it tell anyone who was with me the story of how it got there while we waited for the movie to start.

    Now the theater has been turned into some kind of “college”. But I still have the memory.

    Wherever he is, I hope Pat’s doing well.

    —

    *Although like a WEEK after I finally made projectionist they amended the rules so that when we weren’t up in the booth we had to be wearing the stupid vest. I hate them.

    **He went back into the army after I had enlisted in the Air Force, but when I visited the old crew while in Tech School at Lowry AFB I was told he broke his back in a fall from a tank. BUT! after getting out of the Air Force I took a part time job back with the theater and Pat was working there part time as well and as a bouncer for the Deja Vu Showgirls strip club. He said his back was a bit stiff, but that was it.

    The last time I saw him, about 11 years ago, he told me about how he had ejected some drunk guy from the club and the guy got into his car and tried to run Pat down. Pat jumped on the hood and rode the car down B Street beating on the guys windshield with the baton that he carried until he broke the glass and forced the guy to pull over. When the other bouncers caught up he had beaten the guy into unconsciousness. So. Don’t mess with Pat.

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  6. Lunchtime daydream.

    October 20, 2004 by Collin

    I’m reading a book at work that my babe Heather so wonderfully and unexpectedly bought for me last week. It’s the latest book in the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett called “Going Postal“. If you’ve never heard of the series, or read any of the books and you enjoy funny, clever writing then do yourself a huge favor and go get one. Other than the first two books in the series you can basically jump in anywhere. But for maximum enjoyment read them in order.

    “Going Postal” is fantastically funny so far, which I fully expected.

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  7. Getting to know me 2 – Twice the fun in half the questions!

    October 20, 2004 by Collin

    Okay, I hope my wonderful, sexy, intelligent readers don’t feel I’m copping out by doing another one of these smart-assed Q&A posts. Nor the rest of you for that matter. I enjoyed the first one a lot and had been wanting to do another when lo & behold one was in my inbox this morning. So, here you go:

    —

    Welcome to the next edition of getting to know your friends. What you’re supposed to do is copy (not forward) this entire email and paste it onto a new email that you’ll send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know “INCLUDING” the person that sent it to you. The theory is that you’ll learn a lot of little known facts about your friends. It’s fun and easy. You might be surprised with some of the things you learn about people you think you know…and this is different from the last one!

    (mostly different)

    1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A SECOND HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?

    Inside the hollowed-out skulls of my enemies! But they have a bit of breathing room since I don’t have my first house built yet. And I need to work on getting some more enemies, or it may be a bit cramped. Or just a few bigger enemies. But when I doooooo… they better hold their heads tight!

    2. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?

    It would have to be that article that Cosmo did on crotchless panties versus going commando. That was a sweet read, and the photo-spread was simply breathtaking.

    3. THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT?

    This is all one big RIAA trap, isn’t it? “I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the Communist funded P2P music stealing underground. Nyet.” Let’s seeeeeee… It would probably be the soundtrack to ‘Spiderman 2′ that I bought for Heather.

    4. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?

    That would depend on which morning and what I did the night before. Work days I aim for 6:45. HAH!

    5. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?

    Whatever is handy that tickles. Other than that I don’t play favorites. I love all my appliances equally, under God (and it tickles Him).

    6. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

    Oh sure! Just ASSUME that I don’t already play an instrument! That I’m an uncultured weenie that can’t play a violin any better than he can play Mortal Kombat Deception! Well I’ll have you know, you’re right. That said, I’ve always wanted to play the defibrillator. Oh! MUSICAL instrument. The keytar. HAHAHAH. Kidding. In all honesty I’m not terribly keen on playing an instrument. Sorry Trevor.

    7. FAVORITE COLOR?

    I like CHEESE! (also, this question was already asked in the LAST thingie like this I answered. I’m on to your tricky line of questioning!)

    8. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV?

    I prefer a sports car that, with a simple push of a button, transforms INTO an SUV! With missles. And a wet bar. Good times will be had then, by golly!

    9. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE?

    At the rate I’m going, I better hope not.

    10. FAVORITE CHILDREN’S BOOK?

    Why Timmy Can’t Read (on tape & CD)

    11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?

    The Season of Love, baby! Closely followed by the Season of Our Discontent and the Four Seasons.

    12. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

    The power to knock down buildings with my penis. When I choose to that is. Not just randomly, like the Hulk’s power. EVERYONE would hear about me. And fear me, if they happen to be in a building when I’m near. “Don’t piss THAT guy off, whatever you do!” I wonder if I would then be classified as a terrorist. They would have to kill me, because there wouldn’t be a prison made that could hold me. Heh.

    13. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?

    The mummified remains of Hervé Villechaize in the back of my closet. I found it while cleaning. No idea how it got there. I must have gotten it one night when I was out drinking with the guys.

    14. CAN YOU JUGGLE?

    No, but I can jiggle. Does that count?

    15. THE ONE PERSON/PEOPLE FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO?

    The one people? Why single out “One” when you are going to add people? Since it doesn’t set a maximum amount, does that mean there is a minimum amount? “No half-people visits allowed!” And do you have to talk, or can you just gawk? Fine then. Let’s see… Jesus I suppose. What would we talk about? That’s between me and Him, nosey.

    16. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE DAY?

    Another repeat question! Fine. New answer: The day I ascend into heaven with all of my chosen brethren where we will be allowed to look down upon all of the rest of you sinner bastards as you suffer in Pain & Torment™ while we giggle in self-righteous glory. Yay, verily. Kidding again. I kid because I kare. Nah, I’ll remain here as well, stealing the stuff of those who get ascended. So it’ll still be a good day.

    17. WHAT’S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?

    What? Are you a cop? Do you have a warrant? I don’t have to show you shit! I know my rights! ATTICA! ATTICA!

    18. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?

    Well now you don’t HAVE to choose! Introducing the new McKings “Ultimate Sushi Burger!” All the great taste of sushi, lightly grilled to sweet golden brown! Try it! You’ll love it! We say so!

    19. FROM THE PEOPLE YOU WILL EMAIL THIS TO, WHO’S MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST?

    I imagine that I’ll be hearing from God about a couple of my answers. He’s notoriously quick and righteous. Or possibly the FBI. Or God acting through the FBI. Either way, I’m screwed.

    20. WHO’S LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?

    Same answer. Because really, God’s pretty busy these days what with the election around the corner. He has all those prayers to fend off. Not much to gain by singling out little ol’ me. And the same goes for the FBI. There are REAL criminals out there. No point in rounding up a guy who says he wants to knock down buildings with his penis, or who has hinted that he did (even though he didn’t) occasionally (never) downloaded illegal MP3s from the internet at some point (which of course never happened).

    21. WHO DID YOU RECEIVE THIS FROM?

    Angela. It’s all her fault. She said I was least likely to respond. The gauntlet was thrown and I had to reply swiftly, decisively and with great ruckus. Yay me.

    22. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER?

    And another repeat question! I’m mad now! I demand my money back! And my answer is still the snapdragon. You can put one on the fingers of both hands and have a puppet show. On the cheap.

    23. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAL?

    Any meal that wasn’t my last meal as long as I don’t know that it’s my last meal. Unless it’s really bad, like green bean casserole. Yuck.

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  8. Repeated…

    October 18, 2004 by Collin

    from my Junk Drawer because nobody goes there and I really like this site:

    Even if you aren’t a creative person (working in the advertising business) you can get a kick out of this place. Jeffrey Zeldman Presents: The Ad Graveyard

    via boingboing, but I found this place ages ago and didn’t have a blog to post it at.

    Very cool.

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  9. Hello everybody!

    October 18, 2004 by Collin

    “Hi Dr. Nick!”

    I hope everyone had a good weekend. For me it was a weekend that felt too short. So, normal.

    While driving yesterday to get my Heather flowers for our four month anniversary (which is today) my daughter and I had the following conversation:

    Me: I’m thinking we’ll get cheeseburgers for lunch instead of pizza.

    Wee Girl: Awwwww! But dad I REALLY want pizza for lunch.

    (drive a bit more)

    M: Okay, I’ll pick up some Papa Murphy’s pizza to take home after we get the flowers.

    WG: Good! Then we can have cheeseburgers for dinner!

    M: No, I’m going to make spaghetti for dinner.

    WG: Dad! Noooooo! I don’t want spaghetti!

    M: Sorry, that’s what we’re having.

    WG: But whhhhyyyy?

    M: (said in a taunting sing-song voice) Because I’m the one with the money, honey.

    WG: (said in a toneless voice) SOMEDAY I’M going to be the one with the money, and I’M going to be the one making dinner and I’M going to make us eat cheeseburgers.

    M: (laughing) Okay, sweetie. But tonight you’re having spaghetti.

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  10. It’s Friday

    October 15, 2004 by Collin

    Here I am at the cusp of going home at the end of a longish work week, and I have nothing ready to post.

    I know! It’s amazing! After doing so well lately too.

    So I will leave you with this trifle. I took the kids and my brother to IHOP last week for dinner and this was on my daughter’s menu. We had fun with it, simple as it is. I hope you have fun too. And have a good weekend as well. You’ve earned it.

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