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  1. …do what now?

    August 20, 2004 by Collin

    Okay, I’m out of funny. Not sure why. I thought I still had some in a desk drawer somewhere, but nope. It’s almost as embarrassing and inconvenient as running out of toilet paper when guests are over for a chili dinner. Only it’s IN MY HEAD!

    Perhaps it’s because I’m looking forward to being off from work next week and having trouble focusing on anything else. Or because I’m sleepy and having trouble focusing on anything else. Or I’m having trouble focusing on anything else just because. I have no idea.

    So rather than take up anymore valuable internet space with this pointless babble, I will send you to someplace that is both wrong and funny (sorry Jenn).

    Explore it this weekend. Share it with your friends and neighbors. Discuss it among yourselves. There will be a quiz later.

    The Scout Walker Kama Sutra

    You all have a good weekend and I will see if I can find some time in the coming week to put together a half-assed comic. Or card. Or… you know. Something half-assed.


  2. This post is for…

    August 20, 2004 by Collin

    …Monkey.

    Monkeys and stuff.

    I hope you are having a fun week with your guests. And I hope you see this before it drops off the page. Although there is little fear of that since I doubt I’ll have anything more to say until the new creative block I have comes tumbling down.


  3. And one more quickie…

    August 19, 2004 by Collin

    The Cult of Mac Blog

    For all the mac users who visit my site. I know who you are. Yeah. You in the back. You can’t hide from MEEEEEE!


  4. This and that last one…

    August 19, 2004 by Collin

    …come from Mike Houser’ blog at CasdraBlog. An interesting place that is going to into my rotation. Like I don’t have enough in my list.

    WORDCOUNT / Tracking the Way We Use Language /


  5. A fun online flash game.

    August 19, 2004 by Collin

    The Skeleton Shop

    Enjoy.


  6. Another Tale of Childhood Stupidity!

    August 18, 2004 by Collin

    I’ll try to keep this one short. Short and squirmy. When I was 9 (again) my mom was in the kitchen talking on the phone with a friend and I was sitting on the steps to the upstairs area being bored.

    My uncle, the one who recommended amputation for the dangly turtle problem, had given me some exercise stuff. I was a scrawny kid, and tended to get picked on a bit (okay, a lot) and he thought that “working out” would help me. He gave me an old pair of boxing gloves, a few karate magazines and… I don’t know the name for it… it’s one of those things made from two handles with three bungie style cords between them. The idea is you stretch them apart and it builds up your chest muscles. I had a different idea. A stupid idea.

    I was sitting on the stairs, idly playing around with this thing in a fashion not intended by its makers. What I was doing was this. I put one handle around my knee and was pulling the other handle as hard as I could with both of my hands. While sitting.

    My mom noticed what I was doing and she had just opened her mouth to tell me to cut it out when the handle slipped off of my knee. I realize at this point that I failed to mention a key detail in the description of this “thing”. The cords were attached to the handles by coiled springs. Springs that had pointy bits at the ends.

    The handle that had been on my knee smacked me across the face and knocked me backward onto the stairs. I was dazed, my head was pounding and I think I recall my mom yelling “OH MY GOD!” I thought, “I’m alright.” But I was wrong. Very wrong.

    When I opened my eyes I saw my mom had dropped the phone and was rushing toward me with a horrified expression on her face. And then I felt the torrent of blood that had started to poor from my eye. I FREAKED! She grabbed me and ran me up to the bathroom at the top of the stairs and I remember seeing the trail of blood that I was leaving on the carpet, and feeling bad for making a mess.

    About the time she had me bent over the sink the pain in my eye had begun. I was watching my blood swirl down the drain while my mom asked me if I could still see from that eye at all. I thought I was going to die.

    She got the bleeding under control and she rushed me to the Peterson Air Force Base hospital (My dad was a retired SMSgt.). We sat in the waiting area for a bit with a bloody cloth pressed to my head. Finally a doctor took me into another room and checked out the wound. The eye was okay, but the gash in my eyelid needed stitches.

    I didn’t know anything about the ranking in the Air Force at the time, but I’m quite sure it was at most an A1C that put in the stitches. And he was lit. Totally high. I must have interrupted is pot break.

    So, here I am a 9 year old kid who had just gone through a hell of a lot for one night, and here is this unfocused pothead coming at my face with a needle and thread. I didn’t know at the time what drugs were. I just knew that he wasn’t quite right. So, I start screaming and trying to get away. He grabbed me by the arm and hissed, “Settle down kid or I’ll sew your eyelid to your cheek.” I settled down.

    SOMEHOW he managed to not fuck up. It was somewhere around 4-6 stitches, if I recall correctly. It looked like I had a prickly caterpillar on my eye. And these were the “old school” stitches. The ones that, at some point down the line, have to be removed. They don’t just dissolve.

    Fortunately, I didn’t have the pot head take them out when the time came. Unfortunately, the doctor was only able to get a couple of them out with the snips. The doper put them in too tight. She informed me that she was going to have to use a scalpel to cut the remaining ones so she could remove them.

    I said, “Leave them in!”, but no dice.

    I was scared to death that my eye was going to be cut all over again, but it worked out okay. I can’t recommend having someone come to your eye with a razor sharp knife though, no matter how good their intentions.


  7. Where have all the brain cells gone…

    August 17, 2004 by Collin

    Okay, I don’t do drugs. I’ve never done drugs. Until I was a teenager I would gag on aspirin and still to this day despise needles and smoking. I have various reasons for this anti-drug attitude that I may go into at some point.

    That having been said I should confess that on occasion I have done chemicals. Not intentionally though. Mostly through stupidity. But still, I have to wonder what they have messed up in me.

    Two incidents of chemical abuse stand out in my mind, but I’m sure there have been others. I just don’t remember them. That part of my brain is missing, presumed dead.

    The first was when I was 9-ish (again) and still living at the house where I had the turtle. How I made it to 10 I have no idea.

    One day a bored friend* and I discovered that the powdered weed killer my dad kept in the garage, when tossed by the handful onto the ground, left behind particles in the air that look somewhat like an explosion occurred. This was deemed “neat!” So we started to have weed killer wars. We each took a bag to different sides of the garage and threw the stuff at each other by the hand full. This was “fun!”

    The air started to get a bit thick after a while, so we did what any sane 9-year-old kids would do. That’s right. We climbed up into the rafters and played “Bombers Over Europe!” After that it’s all a blur. Neither of us fell from the rafters, amazingly. And somehow we must have kept enough brain cells undamaged to do a good clean up job because I don’t recall getting caught. I do however recall the strange taste in my mouth that persisted for a very long time.

    So there you go. 70′s weed killer. In my system.

    The other incident occurred during my tour of duty in England (RAF Upper Hayford : ’88-’90 : PMEL). It was my first duty assignment and I was assigned to the K6 section. That was the Physical/Dimensional area. In spite of my extremely high electronics testing score all through tech school this is where I was put, and stayed for my entire time in the Air Force. There is virtually no electronics in that department. But there ARE pressure gages that needed calibration. And cleaning. The cleaner of choice was TRICHLOROTRIFLUOROETHANE We called it “Trike” for short. Also known as Freon. I will say this, it’s fun to play with. But DAMN were we stupid when we played.

    See, I was 19 then, and still considered myself to be immortal. Well, not exactly immortal. I had an overwhelming feeling that I was going to be dead by the age of 25. So I wasn’t as careful as I should have been, and the mutants I worked with didn’t do much to teach me the important skills of chemical handling. My training was electronics. What the hell did I know about chemicals?

    We had these little water bottles that the trike was kept in for ease of use. It had a bent straw so that you could squeeze it into a pressure gage, or across a surface to clean it. Or, you could have running freon fights through the clean room. Or put a puddle of it in a fellow airman’s chair. You know. Whatever was most needed at the time.

    When the trike hit skin it would tingle, be absorbed and leave the skin it had touched a white color for a bit. One of the airmen, when she was bored, would dribble it over the same patch of skin on her hand until she couldn’t take it anymore. She was odd.

    The turning point for me was when I had to go to the hazardous materials room to refill the big can of trike that was normally kept in the K6 room and used to refill the small bottles. The big refill barrel was low. So I balanced the can I needed to fill on my knee and tipped the barrel forward. Easily a gallon of the stuff rushed forward and drenched my left arm from my hand to my elbow and my entire left leg. That was my wake up call. It did NOT feel good! I figured that I had absorbed far more of that crap than was healthy.

    It was after that that I took a keen interest in looking the stuff up in the MSDS and finding out what the long term effects of the stuff was. All in all, it doesn’t look too good for my liver.

    So, now I am far more careful around chemicals, to the point of not even messing with them unless I absolutely have to.

    And I still don’t do drugs.



    *This same friend and I had an interest in my dad’s gun bench. My dad would save his shell casings when he went shooting, then cast his own bullets, replace the primers, assemble the cartridges and there he goes. Cheap(er) ammo.

    One day I took a box of primers and a hammer and met up with my friend on the footbridge next to my house. I was a latchkey kid, so I didn’t have to worry about being caught right away. I had already done this a few times on my own.

    Again, around age 9.

    What I would do is take a primer, place it on the cement and smash it with a hammer. This would make it go *bang!*, somewhat like a gunshot, and it would echo around the neighborhood. For anyone who doesn’t know, the primer is what the firing pin of a gun hits, which then explodes into the casing through a tiny hole, igniting the gunpowder and expelling the bullet down the barrel. The primer itself is only a tiny explosion compared to the gunpowder. Hence, primer.

    This time my friend was with me and he was BEGGING me to let him smash one. I was reluctant to do so because he was a bit spastic when excited and I had a good idea of what I was doing and a lot more practice at it. But then he pulled the ‘I won’t be your friend any more” card, so I let him. I stepped back. He put down the primer, raised the hammer, smacked it down *BANG!* and then grabbed his head and started screaming.

    When I got him to settle down I looked at his forehead. He had a half moon cut on his head where the primer casing leaped up after exploding and nailed him in the head. He ran home in a panic and crying, afraid that he was now brain damaged. Needless to say, the jig was up. I got in trouble and I learned many lessons that day. And I’m keeping them to myself.


  8. I just might have to get this.

    August 17, 2004 by Collin

    KLEER DRAIN INSTANT DRAIN OPENER

    Both of my bathroom sinks drain very slowly and nothing I’ve used works to clear it. Mark Frauenfelder over at Boing Boing gave a rather convincing testimonial as to its effectiveness. It just may be worth a shot, with the exception of the shower of gray grime.

    The only thing that concerns me is that I have no way of removing the stopper and it looks like you need to be able to do that to allow maximum air flow.

    Of course I DO live in an apartment so I could make them come and fix it, but I REALLY hate having people I don’t know come through my house. It’s quite the dilemma.


  9. Travelling

    August 17, 2004 by Collin

    I spent a bit of time tonight trying out Blogger’s [NEXT BLOG>>] button. Just hopping randomly around the blog-o-sphere. Well, Blogger’s part of it at least. So if you’ve never heard of me and I appeared in your blog’s stats and you are wondering why I visited, then wonder no more. The button brought me! Blame the button.


  10. The Turtles

    August 16, 2004 by Collin

    One of my coworkers, Scott, told us that his sister-in-law has the intentions of getting a pair of turtles for his son’s birthday. I suppose he *is* too young for a pair of hookers, but turtles? I don’t know. It brought to mind a horrible childhood memory. Of turtles. Not hookers.

    When I was 9-ish we found a turtle on the side of the road. I’m not sure what kind it was. I think it was either a box turtle, a snapping turtle, or a fucking evil turtle. I tend to lean toward fucking evil.

    I’m not exactly sure who was the individual that was instrumental in determining that we should bring this evil little reptile menace home and keep it as a pet, but I think it might have been me.

    Apparently when I was even younger we had a turtle that escaped by wandering out of the open gate. I wish I had that getaway on film. Apparently I was sad (understatement) and this was seen as a way to make things right. Here’s a tip. Don’t try to make things right. Just let it be.

    So we took him home and my dad put together a turtle pen using three boards and the side of the house. It worked. It stymied all escape attempts. It’s not like he could jump out.

    I was enthralled. I would watch him for hours. Like there was ANYTHING else to do. This was back in the day of three television stations and one PBS station, and I lacked a car and cash.

    So I would stare at this turtle until it was time to feed him. He ate raw liver. How this was determined to be a good diet for an evil turtle, I don’t know. I think a book may have been involved (find out more about this fun fact and many others at your local library!). He also liked fruit, but he LOVED the raw liver.

    He would come out of his shell to eat the raw liver.

    I fed him by hand.

    I *thought* he was my friend.

    It turned out he was EVIL! Evil with a long neck!

    One day he came out of his shell about an inch further to scarf down the liver and latched on to my finger. About an inch of my finger. If it didn’t hurt so bad I could have probably poked his brain.

    I immediately started wailing and crying. I tried to swing him off but THAT wasn’t a good idea. He had a freaking death grip on my finger and if he was going to go flying he would take my finger with him!

    My mom heard the shrieks of pain and ran out to see what had happened. She didn’t panic (I think this incident occurred after the infamous “cutting my eyelid open” thing that I will write about some other time) too much. As I recall. She hurried me in to the kitchen and my uncle who was visiting took one look at the situation and proclaimed, “It’ll never let go. You’re going to have to cut it’s head off.”

    Okay, another tip: unless your goal is to totally freak out a child, don’t tell them that something is NEVER going to let go, and don’t mention home surgery.

    My first thought was that I was going to go through the rest of my life with a turtle on my finger. I was hoping that I would eventually get used to the pain.

    THEN I considered the possibility of my mom sawing through my pet (evil) turtle’s neck with a serrated kitchen knife while I looked into his eyes. And then I thought, “What if she saws through my finger?”

    So yeah, I started screaming even louder. For which I’m sure my mom was very grateful to her brother. She took me over to the kitchen sink, and I figured, “That’s it. She’s getting the knife.” Instead, however, she held my finger and the dangling turtle under running water. It took about a minute but the little bastard let go and fell into the sink.

    I looked at my finger expecting to see a bloody mess, but instead there was a dark, deep ‘V’ shaped indentation on both sides of my finger, and it was throbbing. The turtle was also just fine. Of course.

    My mom put him back in his pen and I never tried to feed him by hand again. All liver went on a plate and was dropped in the corner furthest from wherever he was at the time.

    Eventually he escaped by digging his way under a corner of the boards.

    I was a little sad about this, because even though he was evil, he was MY evil dammit! I had plans of using him against my enemies some day.

    So… Good luck with the whole “pair-of-turtles” gift thing there Scott. Better you than me.